(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue) Fran Dunphy, the winningest coach in the history of Penn basketball, will be leaving to become an assistant for the NBA's 76ers, effective immediately.
Following a screaming match between head coach Larry Brown and star guard Allen Iverson over "practice... practice" yesterday, the veteran head coach resigned. Sixers president Ed Snider immediately named assistant Randy Ayers interim head coach, leaving open the position for Dunphy.
"I'm just thrilled," Dunphy said. "I love the low-maintenance players in the Ivy League and I think that same sort of atmosphere exists in the NBA with guys like Todd MacCollugh, Eric Snow and Keith Van Horn."
Derrick Coleman and Aaron Mckie's common-law wife could not be reached for comment.
Iverson would only say that Dunphy's mustache was "[inexplicable slang term that will be popular in one week that means good]."
Penn athletic director Steve Bilsky is currently looking at candidates ranging from curent Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell to former coach Jim Harrick to former NBA star Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who for some reason is a coaching candidate.
"They are all strong candidates, have extensive resumes and would be very good coaches here," Bilsky said. "And remember that running back who went to UCLA, changed his name to Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and wore Kareem's old number? That was kinda creepy."
Rendell noted that he would "love to" but "I've got this part-time gig right now that's a bitch to get out of. And I'm running for president in '08"
"Harrick asked several questions about our 'financial aid' for players," Bilsky said. "And he kept doing that quote thing with his fingers whenever he said financial aid. Same thing when he asked about tutors and nepotism rules. That was kinda creepy."
Abdul-Jabbar, the NBA's All-time leading scorer, withdrew his candidacy from the Columbia job opening upon receiving interest from the Quakers. However, the motivation for Penn hiring him might seem misguided.
"Anything to get him to stop being an announcer," Bilsky said. "I'd give him my job to never hear comments like 'this game's going to be won by whoever wants it more' again. He might be the worst former UCLA center in broadcasting right now and that's saying something."
Bill Walton could not be reached for comment as he was busy telling big men to "throw it down," following the Grateful Dead and massaging his own feet.
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