Eliot Sherman: Preventing the attack before the duct tape

I hope you all had fun last week buying duct tape and plastic at the behest of the "Department of Homeland Absurdity." For those of you who don't know, the Bush administration informed us of the sudden and immediate need for duct tape and plastic after our national threat level rose from "fuchsia" to "a lovely shade of violet" based on the warnings of a captured al Qaeda suspect who later flunked a lie detector test. Oops, they did it again. I guess the reason officials went with "go forth and purchase hardware products" is because it sounds better than "in the event of a biological attack, put your head between your legs and kiss" -- well, you get the idea. Let's think about this though: if you were held at Guantanamo Bay for months or years (also, incidentally, keeping you effectively out of the secret evil terrorist loop) and then interrogated, how reliable would your information be? I am quickly losing patience with the political and media frenzy surrounding the inexorable next attack. I would normally find it funny -- if I weren't utterly convinced that despite all the attention this "next attack" is getting, our security has changed little, if it all. Take the Department of Homeland Security. We all know what it's supposed to do; now would someone please, for the love of God, tell me what it actually does? No one seems to remember that the announcement of its inception coincided to the hour with the crippling televised testimony of FBI whistleblower Colleen Rowley. (And as long as we're on the topic, could someone please tell me how a provision effectively protecting the Eli Lilly drug company from lawsuits got attached to the bill? I'm sure it has nothing to do with the substantial amounts of money that the aforementioned company spent on the Republican Party during these past elections.) Let me break it down for you. If (insert rabid anti-American dictator here) in all his despotic wisdom sends 100 guys, each with a vial of biological nastiness or a bomb into this country, more than one will get through before anyone realizes what's going on. If you've been to an airport, you know that security is a joke. You wanna talk airport security? Talk to the Israelis. You show up hours early and spend a lot of time talking about where you're going, with what and why. We could take that approach, sure, but then you might be delayed on your way to your precious Goldman Sachs conference, and that just wouldn't do. Some think that this vulnerability is why we need to strike Iraq now. Others feel that this is why we should not attack, and therefore not provoke a last-ditch attack. Me, I get the news I need from the weather report, because I really can't stand either side of the debate. Would I lose any sleep if Saddam suddenly retired? Certainly not. Do I think that war should be the last option? Yes. But Iraq is only a small part of the security equation, which is why I don't understand how it manages to occupy every ounce of debate. The nation sponsors terrorism, but it sure as hell isn't the only one. It's developing WMD, but North Korea already has them. Iraq doesn't like us, but no one does. Meanwhile, our pursuit of total security from terrorist threats (which by definition are unpredictable) has cost us some allies -- and yes, don't be fooled, we do need allies -- increased anti-American sentiments all over the world, raised support for the very people we're trying to get and in return, I can't sleep soundly at night because our government can't even offer us the illusion of security, which is, of course, the next best thing. Let's face it. We weren't ready for Sept. 11. We're still not ready, and there is no conceivable way to be ready. Osama is still at large, al Qaeda is still around and a single government agency is not going to make us any safer, no matter how many jurisdictions it rearranges. The only thing we can do is attempt to make peace with our enemies while keeping that big stick close at hand. Maybe, just maybe, that's what we should have been doing in the first place. Until then, the next time one of our esteemed public servants gets on TV and terrifies the public, I sincerely hope that the huddled masses are advised to buy something that might actually stimulate economic growth. Because I'm running out of things to do with all this duct tape. Eliot Sherman is a sophomore from Philadelphia, Pa.

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