COLUMN: Food for thought during finals

From Daniel Septimus', "I Know My Last Name is Septimus," Fall '00 From Daniel Septimus', "I Know My Last Name is Septimus," Fall '00During finals, life is anything but business as usual. We sleep less and at crazy hours. We look at computer screens for so long that our eyes go on strike. And of course, we eat -- a lot. If you want your studying to be as efficient as possible, it is essential that you have a well-developed ingestion strategy. Here are my suggestions for an effective and fruitful eating schedule: 8:57 a.m.: Consume your first cup of coffee. This is obviously the key to getting the most out of your waking hours. Your cup should be at least 20 ounces and should preferably be gulped down while watching SportsCenter. If you start your day now, you'll catch the "Did You Know?" segment. This way you'll be guaranteed to learn at least one thing today. 10:19 a.m.: Brunch time. Eat an Entenmann's Crumb Donut. It's still early enough to be overwhelmed by how good it tastes. Take 11 minutes to eat it and wonder how they get the crumbs on top of the donut. 10:30 a.m.: Eat half of another Crumb Donut; curse your addiction. 10:44 a.m.: Pour yourself a cup of Coke; this is critical for staying awake. Drinking a two-liter bottle of Coke over the course of several hours is the most effective way to put caffeine into your bloodstream. If you're still tired, chop up Vivarin and snort it. 11:21 a.m.: Time for your first real meal of the day. It doesn't really matter what you eat as long as it belongs to your roommate. This is no time to eat your own food. It's a good chance to "help" your roomy finish his food before the semester ends. If he does get mad -- and who cares? -- you're not going to see him for four months anyway. 11:43 a.m.: Drink another cup of Coke, eat half a Crumb Donut. Take six minutes to consider whether they make the donuts with the crumbs or whether they make the crumbs separately and put them on later. Search the Internet for a graduate program in pop culture. 1:06 p.m.: You haven't slept well the last few nights and you feel like shit. Take a multivitamin. It won't make you feel better, but it will make your pee turn a wacky color. 2:32 p.m.: Make your first food run of the day. Buy a box of Entenmann's Glazed Popems. Eat eight. Ponder the meaning of "donut hole." Regret not taking Physics. Eat nine more. 3:47 p.m.: You feel salt-deprived. Plan a reconnaissance mission to locate and invade your roommate's Jug-O-Pretzels. Stuff a handful of pretzels into your pockets. Quickly survey the room for the Jug-O-Animal-Crackers. 3:56 p.m.: Coke. Vivarin. 4:29 p.m.: Eat a Fruit? Rollup. It will remind you of how horrible fifth grade was and make studying for finals seem like a blessing. If the Fruit Rollup doesn't work, try Dipsy Doodles. Take a moment to think about what it must feel like being a corn chip in a potato chip's world. 5:54 p.m.: Stay in for dinner because you haven't gotten any work done yet. A tuna sandwich should work well at this juncture. If you only have Chunk Light, now is a good time to switch it with your roommate's Solid White. Watch the 6:00 SportsCenter. 6:19 p.m.: Your pee has regained its normal color. Chop up multivitamin -- snort. 7:13 p.m.: Congratulations! You've made it through the entire day on only one cup of coffee, so brew yourself a cup. Instead of waiting until the coffee is done, take this time to go out and buy an iced coffee for later. (Never drink hot coffee after 9 p.m., it'll keep you up all night.) While you're out, buy some tortilla chips and salsa. 7:38 p.m.: Eat chips and salsa, drink coffee. Regret not taking a class on South American culture. 9:40 p.m.: Your stomach is starting to feel the effects of a hard day's work. Drink some Pepto-Bismol. Wash down with beer. 11:23 p.m.: You've got a long night ahead of you since you spent your whole day eating. Drink your iced coffee and eat some ice cream. 12:08 a.m.: Decide that you'll get more work done if you go to sleep now and wake up early. You've wasted another day, but at least you're not hungry.