JOKE ISSUE: U. to post monitors in frats

Alcohol monitors will be required to live in all IFC houses over Spring Fling. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Fraternity Spring Fling parties will be a lot tamer this year, according to Alcohol Coordinator Stephanie Ives. Ives announced yesterday that all 31 fraternities in the InterFraternity Council will have to house a live-in monitor for the duration of the Fling weekend to help prevent alcohol-related illnesses. She said that past attempts to curb alcohol abuse during Fling have failed because the administration has not done enough to regulate drinking among the Greeks. "We think fraternities need a little more supervision during this weekend," Ives said, adding that "hopefully it will benefit the entire University community." IFC President Andrew Mandelbaum, an Alpha Chi Rho brother, expressed concern over Ives' proposal. "It shows the University doesn't really trust us," the College junior said. "They're singling out the IFC." Mandelbaum also pointed out that, as Spring Fling is a mere four days away, it will be nearly impossible to find and hire monitors for all 31 IFC fraternities. But Ives has a solution for that problem as well, which would not require the University to hire any additional personnel -- relocating housekeeping staff to the fraternity houses for the weekend. "This will provide an opportunity for students to really get to know the people who work behind the scenes at Penn," Vice President for Facilities Services Omar Blaik said. "It's a very unique opportunity for all involved." University President Judith Rodin said yesterday she supports the decision, calling Ives' plan "resourceful" and "ingenious." "This may be just what we've been looking for," Rodin said yesterday. "We don't need to drive fraternities off campus, we just need to bring in a healthy dose of adult involvement." "Who cares anyhow," College senior and Daily Pennsylvanian columnist Andrew Exum said. "No monitor can separate me from my bottle of Wild Turkey, even if I have to climb a mountain to escape them. Giddyup!" Penn Students Against Monitors said they were shocked by the announcement and will hold an unsupervised rally at an undisclosed fraternity house tomorrow.