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Coach Demer Holleran snuck stars into the country, according to the INS. [NOTE: This article appeared in the annual joke issue.] Demer Holleran's house of cards has come tumbling down. According to documents acquired by The Daily Pennsylvanian, the national championship-winning Penn women's squash team and its wunderkind of a head coach have attracted unwanted attention from the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service. It seems as if Holleran, in her maniacal search for a national crown, has violated nearly every immigration law on the books. "It looks as if we have two clear-cut cases of fraud on Holleran's part," INS spokesman Jim Morlock said. The substance of the allegations consists in the role Holleran played in the immigration of star players junior Helen Bamber, who came to Penn by way of Zimbabwe, and junior Rina Borromeo, a native of the Philippines. The INS alleges that Holleran, who apparently has established connections with unscrupulous customs agents, was able to smuggle Bamber and Borromeo into the country, provide them with fraudulent visas and keep all of this a secret while her Red and Blue squad managed to secure a title. "I love Demer Holleran," Bamber said. "I'd like to see you lightweights make it in Zimbabwe a single day. Look at our national heroes. Nick Price, for instance, he's got skin like leather. He's a mean brother. It's a terrible life down there. Demer took me away from all that, and I will be thankful for her until the day I die. They should make her a saint." Holleran could not be reached for comment. When a DP reporter arrived at her Wynnewood, Pa., home, Holleran refused to come outdoors. The reporter was then scared away by Holleran's loyal army of illegal-immigrant gardeners and endangered Komodo Dragons. "I'll let you in on a little secret," Penn men's squash coach Craig Thorpe-Clark said. "If I had half the balls that Demer did, I would do the exact same thing. Squash requires years of determination, something you Americans don't know. Fine, condemn squash coaches for doing what they do. But deep down in places you don't like to talk about at parties, you want us on that wall." If the allegations coming from the INS prove true, the ramifications for Holleran will be dire. She could face no less than 10 years of jail time, and the program that she built to prominence would be devastated. "What are you talking about?" Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky said when asked for comment. "I don't hear you. Steve's in his happy place, doesn't want to hear this. Negativity no good for AD." Holleran came to Penn eight years ago by way of Princeton. While at Old Nassau, she won national titles and earned All-America honors in 1989, her senior year. Her college boyfriend, former Princeton basketball center Kit Mueller, paints an intriguing picture of the budding coach. "Demer used to always push me around," said Mueller, who is now an attendant at the Penn parking garage on the corner of 38th and Walnut Streets. "She would always tell me what to do. Kit, go get me a hot water bottle. Kit, bring me my bunion eraser. Blah, blah, blah. She never loved me," Mueller said. "All she ever loved was winning."

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