COLUMN: What I'd do as the dean

From Siona Listokin's, "Think Different," Fall '00 From Siona Listokin's, "Think Different," Fall '00Selected sections of Miss Siona Listokin's inaugural speech as dean of the Wharton School: Today, I stand before you faced with a daunting task. No one can deny that the business environment in America is rapidly expanding in the global arena and that electronic commerce is changing every facet of economic interchange. The Wharton School must adapt in order to continue to educate tomorrow's leaders and prepare them for this changing world. Thus far, Wharton has been highly successful, incorporating a new curriculum and blah blah blah. It is my hope that during my tenure as dean of Wharton, I will better serve the needs of the students. I am quite familiar with these needs, as I am currently a student in Wharton myself. We at Wharton have no doubt that we are the best business school in the nation. Or at least second best. As dean, I will entice the best (or second-best) speakers and professors to West Philadelphia. Our school will continue to lead the world in the education of future investment bankers. And we may try to teach other things, too. One of the most visible issues facing the Wharton School today is the rapid expansion of facilities. Increasingly, Wharton undergrads are attending classes in Vance Hall, and the new Huntsman Hall will further spread the future leaders of tomorrow across campus. But this dissemination must stop. It is my goal that no Wharton freshman will ever have to leave the halls of Steinberg-Dietrich. To that end, I propose the construction of a freshman dorm on top of Steiny-D. The young student can then eat, drink, sleep, study -- in a word, live -- Wharton all the time. The College-Wharton alienation will be complete. Further, I want to add more inane and unnecessary introductory classes to the requirements for graduation. We will try not to teach anything in these classes. But the curve will be a bitch, and hopefully they will discourage any upstart College freshman from transferring into Wharton. I intend to complicate the student curriculum worksheet to a level never before experienced by any organization. From my experience, nothing teaches humility like being stared down by a Wharton advisor for 15 minutes while trying to figure out how to triple major and go abroad and submatriculate into the MBA program. For seniors, I propose a seminar entitled "How to Cope with Loss of Direction and Drive in February." Those with job offers outstanding in fields they are interested in will not be invited. Those with job offers outstanding in fields that only their friends and parents are interested in will be given a substantial discount. The seminar will also give the prospectively unemployed an alternative to cyanide. I might just hire another female Finance professor -- we could use a token one of those every few years. (Polite laughter.) The past few years have been very good to Wharton. As my finance partner likes to say, "We are sooo money." And we have money. Lots of it. Money to build large dirt pits in the middle of campus. Money to fund our liberal arts counterparts' pursuit of conspicuously useless knowledge. Money to ensure that future deans of the Wharton School are as well received by Action 6 news as I was. I pledge to toil for the continuation of these good times for Wharton. Let there always be young adults on the cusp of life with an overinflated sense of lucrative purpose. Let there always be professors still wondering if they should have taken a job at the University of Chicago. Let there always be a College to kick around. Let the good times roll. Thank you.