DP SWAMIS: Friday, November 19, 1999

The quotes are real. So are the turbans. The quotes are real. So are the turbans.We Swamis have been busy. It's just been that kind of fall. Just the act of holding onto our carpets as we streaked about the Ivy League has been enough, given everything we have to do as upholders of the DP's 47-year tradition of pigskin prognostication. For the most part, our ghost writer has performed serviceably, solid on occasion and at-times shaky, but for what it's worth, we decided to salvage our reputation as all-around capable Swamis by assuming the writing duties for one last week. And what did we do? We selected the easiest week to write. No traipsing around the country on our carpets, no digging for zookeepers or buffalo or Swami-themed ale makers for these oh-so-slick Swami writers. We chose to reclaim the scribe duties for Week 10, the annual Swami Bribe Week, and kept our carpets in neutral while we reaped the bribery benefits. The first, and clearly the worst, bribe we received came from ex-Swami Lymon, who said we should make him Swami to "celebrate" and "respect your elders." Please, Lymon, get a life. Next came a particularly blonde member of the tribe from Street, offering both a night out with his pathetically lonely Swami pal Face and the murder of a certain copy editor. Hmm? tempting, but who would edit our mistake-filled section? What's more, he offered to steal the 'do rag of a certain whiny, intercom-abusing editor, along with the bronzed yarmulke of the editor not to be confused with a Gift from God. Nice try, but no thanks. The most pathetically boring bribe we got came in the form of lengthy prose -- which most definitely did not garner praise -- from Swami-wannabe Boss. Worthless. We could, however, have claimed big money on the black market from a certain desperate ad adviser known for his sick sense of humor; he offered his recent progeny, but we had to decline when the kid turned out to be too heavy for our carpets. The clear leader, actually, appeared to be much-maligned SpecMotors, the journeyman writer who penned Swamis the first nine weeks of the year and is the topic of conversation of choice for a certain mustachioed hoops coach. Also known as Gadget, he wowed us with T-shirts and our snacks of choice. But Motors appeared to be one-upped at the last second, when a certain field hockey writer too busy with SpecMotors' favorite sport to ever acquire a nickname swooped in to all but claim the honor. First, she tried to best the party mix with a random listening party mix. So-so, at best. And her offer of lame collared sweatshirts nearly backfired. But then she made the best bribe offer ever -- a choice of a few choice recruits for her two favorite Swami BMOCs, if you know what we mean. But, alas, the recruits turned out to be little more than a promise, an IOU until December, at the earliest. So we ruled it a draw, let both Motors and the nicknameless W. Laxer make the selections, and sat back to enjoy the benefits of all the bribes.