COLUMN: Manners for a new millennium

From Melissa Wong's, "Days Like This," Fall '99 From Melissa Wong's, "Days Like This," Fall '99Miss Manners would have been so proud. I was dressed in a business suit, strolling through the double glass doors of a hotel, posture perfect enough to balance 15 books on my head, exuding an air of professionalism with every step.From Melissa Wong's, "Days Like This," Fall '99Miss Manners would have been so proud. I was dressed in a business suit, strolling through the double glass doors of a hotel, posture perfect enough to balance 15 books on my head, exuding an air of professionalism with every step. Which quickly evaporated when I was hit in the nose by the door that my colleague ahead of me failed to hold open as I entered. There are, of course, several rules of etiquette that best belong within the pages of a Jane Austen novel. In this day and age, no one expects a man to proffer an embroidered handkerchief to a weeping lady or throw his overcoat over a muddy puddle in the street before she crosses. Still, other practices of common courtesy should be followed. Etiquette allows us to express mutual respect or gratitude in a manner which can be understood by all. This doesn't sound like a practice which goes out of fashion. To keep the practice of etiquette relevant and timely, we need to evaluate what we consider to be good manners. When a certain action fails to promote those basic values of respect and gratitude, then perhaps a rule has outlived its original purpose and focus. But the fact that some rules of etiquette have outlived their functions should not make us neglect manners altogether. There is no need to group a justified practice, like sending a thank-you note, with a meaningless restriction which tells us that we can't wear white shoes after Labor Day. Part of the backlash against etiquette has come from the perception that many of the rules are based on a stereotype of women as helpless, vulnerable and and in need of men to function. It is no wonder that these rules quickly died with growing liberty and opportunities for women. But although it is extremely important to watch the boundaries of what is polite and what is clearly offensive or even questionable, we are often missing out on ordinary pleasantries and helpful assistance which are well-intentioned and good-natured and can be applied to all. For example, according to the most current standards, it is no longer appropriate to hold a door open for a woman. But perhaps instead of holding the door open for a lady, today's etiquette should call for holding the door open for whoever happens to be behind you. Etiquette also faces the challenge of an increasingly multicultural society. As different cultures increasingly intertwine and interact, it becomes harder to convey respect or understanding through a set of actions that everyone will understand to mean the same thing. You may be very surprised of what you are truly conveying through a simple handshake. As a result, awareness of standards of etiquette in other cultures and nations is crucial. But perhaps the largest challenge to etiquette is the notion that it forces us to act in ways we otherwise might not. By dictating the ways we should behave or function, etiquette constrains our activities and makes us present ourselves in predetermined ways. However, in social settings, everyone is forced to make character judgments based on how a person appears and acts. Unfair or not, it is the only available and often largely accurate option in most circumstances to evaluate a person. It becomes even more important to retain the fundamental points of etiquette in this day and age. While technology has been increasing the speed and frequency of communication, it has also made communication less personal and less polite. Today, we e-mail a quick note instead of sending a greeting card, if we bother to send the e-mail at all. My advice? Send the e-mail. It's the polite thing to do.