COLUMN: Why won't they just leave Penn students alone?

From Todd Wise's, "Where Lovely Mermaids Flow," Fall '99 From Todd Wise's, "Where Lovely Mermaids Flow," Fall '99My nemesis waits for me in the distance. He's got a high school class ring the size of Montana, sports a teenage mustache and wears a "Tasmanian Devil" tie. I race down Locust Walk trying to avoid any form of eye contact. In this way, he will gauge my apathy and leave me be. What we all wouldn't give to get those credit card guys off Locust Walk. Not only because their clichZd sales pitches are personally annoying but because they diminish the collegiate feel of Penn. Now I'm not one to discredit the commission-hungry worker. I've been there during a summer spent convincing New Yorkers about the merits of titanium tennis racquets. But there were times when I knew people just weren't buying -- a clear signal to leave well enough alone. And these guys just don't get it. I'm hounded before and after class. They've got my schedule down pat. I'd get a restraining order if I could but they already have a permit to be there. Above all else, it's exhausting coming-up with new rejection lines. "Ah, no thanks." "Already got one, thanks." "You just asked me." "You know what, you're an a-hole!" The real problem is that students support these guys. I guess they're drawn to the T-shirts. But bear in mind that those shirts are about as cool as the college house ones with a bright red King's Court on the back. And even if you like the giveaways, think about the large favor you'd be doing the Penn community by saying "no." You could help make Locust Walk feel more collegiate. Some things at college are endearing despite their irrelevance. When Brother Stephen proselytizes on the Walk, I take in a little bit of college. But when my nemesis offers me frequent flyer miles, I question how this is college. Because it's better to have intellectual disingenuity than non-intellectual solicitation. And the credit-card vendors get in the way of the groups I actually want to be hearing from. Although Penn lore has it that the Walk is less commercialized than ever before, imagine if student groups weren't bunched with the entrepreneurs. I would personally take them more seriously. It was just last week that someone from the West Philadelphia Tutoring project approached me with a flyer. While I thought he was going to waive my annual fee, he was actually advertising a valuable Penn program. And I missed out on the opportunity to learn about it because the credit card vendors have made me so jaded. Besides, the vendors are inconsistent with Penn's recent efforts to make the campus look better. Penn made quite a stink about food carts a few years back. Fine. I understand. They're not aesthetically pleasing. But neither are these sales guys. Just imagine tour guides showing off Fisher Fine Arts while a credit guy lectures pre-froshes on the merits of the $500 limit. I'm not saying that credit cards are the sole reason that Penn doesn't feel like a campus. Ending the incessant heckling, however, certainly wouldn't hurt the cause. You know, though, maybe I'm wrong. Perhaps you find these guys appealing. If you do, I'd encourage you to follow their Northeast tour of college campuses. As for myself, I'll be happy to see them go.