JOKE ISSUE: Scandalized M. Track hit by sanctions

The men's track team is in disarray after the discovery that it used travel funds for vacations and favricated race results. The remainder of the Penn men's track season is in jeopardy as the Athletic Department announced the removal of head coach Charles Powell and assistant coach Nathan Taylor in a press conference yesterday afternoon. According to a statement by Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky, allegations were confirmed yesterday that the team was misusing funds directed specifically for the indoor track season. It appears that since Powell took over as coach 14 years ago, the team -- which has no home indoor track -- has been fabricating results from away meets while spending the travel budget on assorted vacations and road trips. In addition to the firing of Powell and Taylor, suspensions were handed down to most of the athletes on the team, all of whom were involved in the scandal. Athletic Communications intern Jim Morlock is expected to resign after being accused of fabricating results for the team. "In compliance with NCAA regulations, we were forced to immediately dismiss Charles Powell and Nathan Taylor as coaches of the men's track team," Penn Athletic Director Steve Bilsky said. "By suspending the students, hopefully we will still be eligible for post-season championship meets, starting next year with the incoming freshman, if the NCAA and the Ivy League agree with the measures taken." "Are you joking?" Powell said. "Maybe if the University would get it's head out of its ass and build us an indoor track, we would actually compete. Do you seriously think that we would travel to Boston and Ithaca all season long? Is that recorder on? Give me that damn thing!" Taylor refused to comment. The sanctions came for the team's misuse of the travel funds for alternate road trips while conspiring with Morlock on his press releases. Having already lost their eligibility, the suspended Penn athletes had no qualms about telling the real story behind the scandal. For example, instead of competing at Navy the first weekend of January, the team headed for the day to Atlantic City, N.J. But to those not in the know, the team "bus just never showed up." "It sucked -- I lost $1,500 bucks," Penn sophomore Kyle "Biff" Turley said. "At least it wasn't my money -- it all came from tuition. I felt a lot better after I bought that hooker, also with tuition money." The weekend that the Quakers were scheduled to compete at the Terrier Classic in Boston, they reportedly chartered a flight to Orlando, Fla., and went to Disney World. That trip eventually proved to be their downfall, as Daily Pennsylvanian copy editor Edward Sherwin discovered souvenir Splash Mountain pictures in McClelland Hall. The weekend of the St. Valentine's Invitational on February 13, the team went to Mardi Gras. "I think that my pledge brothers began to question the validity of the season when they saw me in New Orleans," freshman sprinter Jeremy Chaison said. "That wasn't as bad as 'Lieutenant' Dan Nord making up all of that shit about competing against his twin brother from Brown. He doesn't even have a brother." Perhaps the largest part of the scandal was when the Quakers supposedly were at Cornell for a seventh-place finish at the Heptagonals Championships. In actuality, they went to Cancun, Mexico, for a weekend of fun in the sun. The team had a blast until they bought so many drugs that they had to sell freshman Mike Aguilar into slavery to settle the debt. Claiming that he was "injured" was a nice cover-up attempt on the part of the Penn coaching staff. Things went from bad to worse when the team returned and found that Morlock had fabricated press releases in which the team sank to seventh place. "I can't believe that Morlock said we finished seventh," Stan "The Man" Anderson said. "We specifically said second. Like we could conceivably lose to Harvard and Columbia. I'll have to take back those Mickey Mouse ears I bought him in Florida." The status of the team should have no affect on the Penn Relays.