COLUMN: When a friend is the victim

From Michelle Weinberg's, "For Every Action," Fall '99 From Michelle Weinberg's, "For Every Action," Fall '99A good friend of mine was recently the victim of an acquaintance rape. She thought she was with someone she trusted and she had slept with him before. But early one morning she woke up to find him having sex with her. He didn't even have the decency to wear a condom. I watched as she experienced a whole range of emotions. First, denial. He said I started it. Do you remember that? No. Then fear, fear of pregnancy, of disease and of the strange emptiness she now felt inside. Next, embarrassment. Ashamed that she somehow allowed this to happen to her and scared about what people would think if they knew. The worst was the depression and feelings of loneliness. I sat and listened as she told me how she felt like a textbook victim, that no one could understand what she was going through. But the truth is, there are a lot of people who did understand. In trying to figure out how I could best help my friend, I discovered that there are a lot of women, right here at Penn, who have experienced similar situations. Another friend told us about her experience of waking up after passing out drunk to find her ex-boyfriend on top of her, doing as he pleased. Women at Penn are almost always raped by other Penn students and not by strangers. I realize that most men at Penn would not even consider committing such a monstrous act. But I am writing this because I want both men and women to be aware that Penn is not exempt from horror stories. I want men to remember, if she says no, or is unconscious, it's not OK to have sex with her. Remember that it doesn't matter if she's had sex with you before -- sleeping with someone once or even 100 times is not an open invitation for more sex. And I want women to realize that they are not alone. My friend's situation very quickly evolved into something serious. She began drinking heavily, to the point of blacking out, multiple days per week. She was falling behind in her schoolwork and still blaming herself for what happened. Trying to explain to her during our daily conversations that she was not responsible for his actions just wasn't sinking in. So I decided to look into the resources available at Penn. I ended up going to the Penn Women's Center. My friend did not want to seek help from a stranger, so I did. Feeling unsure about betraying my friend's trust, I went with some of her other concerned friends to find out ways we could help her. That session taught me a great deal about victims of rape and the ways in which they react. Women react in a number of different ways and all of them are normal. Many, including my friend, actually become very emotionally attached to their attacker, trying to lessen the severity of the violation by extracting apologies and attempting to gain control within the relationship. There are probably a lot of strong-willed, confident women reading this right now thinking that they would never allow that to happen to them. My friend was always a self-assured and happy individual but after she was violated her actions very much contradicted her usual confident personality. That's why victims of rape often have trouble regaining a sense of normalcy -- their emotions and behavior are foreign, even to themselves. The good news is my friend is going to be all right. Eventually, she, too, took a trip to the Women's Center. She is getting her life back together and she's taking control and doing it on her own terms. For anyone who has been a victim of acquaintance rape, realize that you have resources to help you, your friends, family and even your University.