COLUMN: The life and times of a 'DP' columnist

From Emily Lieff's, "Sassy Peach," Fall '99 From Emily Lieff's, "Sassy Peach," Fall '99For seven semesters, I wandered around Penn completely anonymously. Now, suddenly, since becoming Sassy Peach, random people recognize my face. As this marks the end of my stint as a regular on the Editorial Page, allow me to use my last 767 words to reflect on the experience. So here, in a nutshell, are all of the things that I've learned these past few months. Perhaps some of them will inspire one of you to write your own column. Either way, here's a little piece of what goes on behind the scenes at the Editorial & Opinion Page: Instant audience: After four years of my incessant whining, my roommates finally got sick of listening to me. I think they finally learned that nodded and pretending to listen did nothing to shut me up. Also, my friends told me my jokes aren't funny after the 97th time. So I found a whole new audience for my complaints and boring stories. Creating mystique: Choose an odd column name, it makes you seem mysterious. Meeting new people: As someone who was always complaining about the coldness of Penn students, my whole outlook has changed. People are constantly coming over and asking me if I am Sassy Peach. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one here who enjoys talking to complete strangers. Of course, friendliness can have its downside; one response to a column got sent to my account complete with the happy99 computer virus. [Editor's Note: Which she promptly forwarded to her editor.] I realize it was an accident but sometimes spreading goodwill can spread much more dangerous things. It's all right, though. It was fun calling all of my friends and family to let them know that I unknowingly infected all of their computers. Now none of them will talk to me anymore and they refer to me as "bubonic," but whatever. Impress your grandparents: Mine are very impressed every Thursday -- and apparently so is all of Boynton Beach, Fla. I've been told that I'm quite a hit around the pool and I'm convinced that my grandmother is passing out copies to her friends with eligible grandsons. (Hi grandma!) More excuses to procrastinate: I have two finals this week -- guess who's not studying? We all know that most of reading week is actually spent doing anything except studying. Before, I used to have to find unsatisfying ways of procrastinating like clearing out my e-mail folders and alphabetizing my CD collection. Now, I have a legitimate way to waste time. Never again will I be lacking a stalling activity, I always have this column to distract me. This way, I can definitely push all my work off until the night before without having to feel guilty about it. Who cares? For example, say you complained about a certain department. Strictly hypothetically, say, Communications. Wouldn't it be funny if you wrote a column criticizing their curriculum and specifically asking them to respond and then they never did? That would probably show exactly how out of touch that department is with the students, right? It's disheartening to know that entire departments simply hide inside their offices, paying no attention to the university around them. Makes you think. Pushing buttons: After a few weeks, you'll find out that you never know what exactly is going to get on people's nerves. Write a scathing critique of the University, nobody cares. Write a benign criticism of a popular movie and watch the sparks fly. It's interesting how violent people can get when you criticize something they enjoy. For instance, to the girl who wrote me the loooong letter telling me that she "got sick" reading my column because she and I like different movies, I ask her -- how much time do you have on your hands? Effecting change: OK, so maybe this is the only legit reason to write. Change does happen and it is flattering to be a part of it. Whatever your problems, write in and open some eyes. You never know who might be reading the paper that day. Just don't write about me.