COLUMN: Learning to love the best of beer

From Michelle Weinberg's, "For Every Action," Fall '99 From Michelle Weinberg's, "For Every Action," Fall '99I love beer. While some may consider this admission an indication of alcoholism, I prefer to call it an appreciation for history and culture. Beer recipes have been found in ancient written languages and many cultures have their own unique variety of brew that brings people together in the name of fun and relaxation. Beer is a timeless treasure. There is a wonderful world of beer just waiting to be sampled and many Penn students are missing out. After many, many evenings of serious research on this subject, I'm here to share with you some advice on beer appreciation, in the hopes that beer drinkers at Penn will have more fulfilling beer experiences. The first rule is simple. If you don't like the way your beer tastes, don't drink it. I find no pleasure in intoxication unless I enjoy it from my first sip to my last. There are a few ways you can instantly tell your beer is not worthy. If the label on your beer ends in "Lite" or "Ice" or any combination of the letters t, z and s -- it's bad beer. If the beer is only sold in either a can or a keg -- it's bad beer. If the beer is commonly referred to as "The Beast" or some other vulgar nickname -- chances are, it's also bad. If the color and consistency of your beer reminds you of a certain bodily fluid -- it's really bad beer. Please don't drink these beers. Once you understand the difference between good and bad beer, when left with only these disgusting options you will realize that sobriety is far superior to taste bud degradation. There is one exception to the bad beer guidelines -- ye olde 40 ounce. The concept of 40 ounces of pure malt liquor all in one convenient bottle, and available almost any time of day or night at your local corner convenience store, is enough to make even this beer connoisseur rethink her standards -- on special occasions. Approached with caution, the occasional splurge will guarantee a good time. Second. There is a beer out there for everyone, so always sample new varieties in the hopes that you discover the brew that's right for you. The more varieties you try, the more you'll realize how different each beer can be. And for those of you who claim you will never enjoy beer, may I recommend a fruity lambic or a smooth cider? Or my personal favorite, Trappist ale, brewed by Belgian monks. Trust me, the churches of Belgium brew this beer for a reason -- it's definitely a gift from a higher power. Third. Drink microbrews. They're just better. The choices are endless, ranging from lagers to ales, stouts to ambers. Many microbrews resemble their European inspirations at a significantly lower price. And while they may cost more than the King of Beers, there's no harm in cutting down the amount we drink in the name of a better tasting beverage. Save yourself the embarrassment of whatever lewd act that next cheap beer would have inspired you to perform. Finally, brew your own beer. If you're really concerned about the cost of a better-tasting beer, this is an investment that definitely pays off. And, as you perfect your homebrewing skills, you will be able to develop a beer that suits your taste buds to a tee. The process is simple and can be completed with a kit and the equipment in the average high rise kitchenette. All it takes is a little hops, some malt, water, hungry happy yeast and a bit of patience. There are tons of books available to guide you through this fun and rewarding process. And so next time you're about to chug a plastic cup full of Schlitz Lite or Natty Ice, please reconsider. Now you know better. Here's to many weekends of responsible and sophisticated beer drinking. Cheers.