COLUMN: Tried and true of sports broadcasts

Tony Smith's, "Doric, Ironic, Corinthian," Fall '98 Tony Smith's, "Doric, Ironic, Corinthian," Fall '98Sports cliches have always been ridiculous, but in recent years, Bob Costas and his ilk have really gotten out of hand. Back in the glory days of the NBA in the 1980s, I could at least listen to a game without cringing. After a long college basketball season, and an even longer NBA one, I was truly weary. I needed a summer to recover from the barrage of nonsensical phrases that were repeated 'til the Bulls came home. How about stepping it up? You know, taking your game to the "next level." You hear that one about 50 times a night. "Pippen really needs to step up here in this second quarter." As if that wasn't ridiculous enough, once l heard an announcer suggest that "the American people really need to step up and recognize that [insert underrated player's name here] is really talented." I can just picture it now: Millions of beer-swilling armchair point guards across the country suddenly realizing that this guy's sending them a message. I foam at the mouth when they graciously inform me that Ray Allen "really came to play today." How fortunate. Maybe if we're really lucky, he'll "show a lot of character," too. 'Cause, you know, he can "flat-out play." He can beat the best in the league "on any given day." If he were a football player, you'd hear broadcasters raving about his team's "spurtability," that holy grail of attributes. Unfortunately, athletes are no better at stringing together an original sentence. This becomes obvious when they interview the players right after the game. Your childhood hero, sweaty and victorious, is handed a microphone as he leaves the court. You can lip-sync along with the conversation because it's so power-packed with catchphrases. "Uh, puff-puff, yeah, they really came to play today, but our guys showed a lot of character down the stretch." "So Karl, when you scored 19 points in the fourth, were you trying to send a message to that guy that threatened your sister last week?" Is this really the best that the pre-eminent jock minds of the late 20th century can do? How sad. Not that I am suggesting that they should improvise. Grammar and reason go out the window when they try that. For example, one Sunday I heard John Madden assert that the Packers, who were on the verge of losing a game in the 4th quarter, were "fighting a big dose of tired." Gee John, I think a big glob of cholesterol worked its way into your Speech Cortex. Or maybe you shouldn't have skipped Mrs. Witherspoon's remedial reading class to test out your new football helmet against the cinderblock wall that fateful afternoon in sixth grade. Another time, an interviewer asked newly-drafted point guard Jason Kidd how he was going to help his lowly Dallas Mavericks. Kidd responded, "I'm gonna turn this team around 360 degrees." He did, too. Of course, sometimes off-the cuff remarks by sports announcers are more disturbing than grammatically faulty. One time I was watching a match between Marcelo Rios, the Brazilian tennis star, and some stoic-looking Nordic type. The commentators, who were European, kept remarking on Rios' cat-like stance and movement. Next, they began talking about where he grew up. "Of course," said one announcer, "he grew up in the concrete jungle, but you'd think he came from the real jungle." Uh, OK. Maybe I was wrong about the cliches. After all, if you keep the sportscasters busy mouthing repetitive, nonsensical drivel, you don't need to hear how twisted they are deep inside. Hey, it worked for Marv Albert -- mouthing things -- until he let it go too far.