Ivy Roundup: Road-trippin' Ball-handlin' Edition

We at Ivy Roundup are as abashed as you are about the evident inadequacies in our football program. But we have learned not to wallow in our misery. Instead, we have done what we always do in the face of fledgling disaster: luxuriate in the problems and misfortunes of others in order to realize how fortunate we really are. We hope that these tidbits of disgrace bring a smile to your somber, tear-soaked Red and Blue painted faces. Best Ball-Handler of the Week Because homeless Princeton kept coughing up the ball and didn't approach the Fordham end zone all day, Princeton kicker and locker-room wide receiver Alex Sierk did all of the scoring for Tigers, and was thrust into the national spotlight, where he talked about a relationship with one of his teammates, whose name he wouldn't divulge. "It felt pretty good and I like the feeling a lot," Sierk said. But upon further investigation, we at Roundup discovered the identity of the anonymous partner who makes Sierk feel so good. "I like the kicker, especially when we make it," teammate Gerry Giurato said. "If you don't like this situation, then don't be a kicker," Sierk said. Let's hope that soap-on-a-rope is available for all Princeton players upon demand, because now it's official: Princeton SUCKS. Biggest Head Case of the Week Sirens wailed. The crowd was silent. We were hypocritical. The Bison mascot, whose furry ass was sticking out of his shorts, was in its own state of oblivion. Bucknell wide receiver and kick returner Oji Perkins was out cold, temporarily knocked unconscious by Penn special teams stud Justin Gallagher. Gallagher crushed Perkins just as another Gallagher crushed watermelons. A doctor who revived Perkins on the Bucknell 30-yard line noted that once Perkins regained consciousness, he denied ever being unconscious. "Oji kept telling us he was kicked in his area of vulnerabilities," said a Bucknell team doctor. "But we didn't want to take any chances." More importantly, the Quakers recovered the ball after Perkins was unable to hold onto the ball in his unconscious state. The fumble led to a touchdown. Connecticut Disaster of the Week The horrible collapse of the Yale football team was not the only breakdown in the city of New Haven, Conn., Saturday. After the swarms of Yale football fans left at halftime, their Elis already down 28-0, some travelled across town to check out a real football game between the University of New Haven and Indiana University of Pennsylvania. However, upon the mass arrival of all Yale fans, a large section of the bleachers collapsed at Robert Dodds Stadium. Four fans were hospitalized and dozens more were injured. While at the hospital, New Haven football fans ran into dozens of Yale football players being brought into the ER by ambulance, and paid a visit to ex-Yale coach Carm Cozza, still on life support, in the geriatric ward of the hospital. On the Road Again of the Week The Princeton football team has gotten so bad that they decided to tear down their stadium and make the Tigers play all of their games on the road. And what can be more demoralizing than giving up a touchdown to the smallest player in Division I football? How about having to play the game at the University that stole Princeton's name? After a lot of bitching, a plea to the governor and a failed lawsuit, Princeton was forced to accept the fact that they were losers -- and that Trenton State COULD change its name to the College of New Jersey, Princeton's old name.