GUEST COLUMNIST: Freshman impressions of Wharton

Jonathan Stein, Guest Columnist Jonathan Stein, Guest Columnist Perhaps a disclaimer is in order. I am but a freshman at the wee beginning of my Penn career. Yet, I have an embarrassing confession to make: Wharton people scare me. Not just scare; horrify, terrify, cause hair to stand on end and poor, delicate stomach to gurgle and gump. Ever resilient in the face of danger, I valiantly carried on the search for my classroom. This was not such a smart thing to do. Utterly bewildered by the militant stampede of onrushing students, I was forced to find shelter by the old stock market doo-hickeys. Alas, by the time the human chattel had passed, there was not a soul for me to ask. Providence, forced to smirk at my predicament, pitied me and sent a familiar face. He kindly informed me that I was in the wrong building. It happens to the best of us. Care for another fun one? Good. Waiting in line for the glorious culinary feat that is Penn dining, I casually struck up a conversation with a most attractive Wharton undergrad of the female persuasion. "Oh," said I, "what do you want to be when you grow up?" "I hope to make billions of dollars by exploiting third-world countries and the American public," she said. "Really, is that a major?" "No, its only an elective." "Best of luck to you," I replied. Thankfully, the dubious PennCard swiper decided to read my card after a stern talking to by yours truly, effectively ending the exchange. Virgin impressions beginning to form in my somewhat tainted mind, I decided I had witnessed the exception, not the rule. I decided I must investigate further. So I sat in on "Business and Ethics." Big mistake. It turns out, much to my chagrin, that the end really does justify the means. This was too much for my fragile psyche. A little stiff competition I can handle, a self-centered view of the universe I can understand, but not ethics! Leave something for us artsy dilly-doo-dads to venerate over coffee. And so I live in fear of the day that the headline reads, "Wharton people take over the earth." In all estimates it will be a sad day. Perhaps the Furness Fine Arts Library will be home to a new stock exchange -- a mini-mall at the very least. Locust Walk might become a private toll road. Warren Buffett, the new University president, will make sure that, "every member of the University has access to a Bloomberg machine." He will also parlay the endowment into Wall Street's largest mutual fund, much to the delight of alumni competing for bragging rights. The future seems bleak, drab and not a little bit ugly. "But what can I, Joe/Jane student do about it?" you ask in a high-pitched, concerned voice. Do not fear. I graciously present my three-point plan for the Blunting of Business Acumen. 1) Make lots of fun of the Whartonite. According to the most current scientific data, this species does not appreciate peer ridicule. Probably because it has no sense of humor. In this gut-wrenching battle for the soul of mankind, we must leave no advantage unexploited. Chances are we have the edge in verbal proficiency. Let's throw some high-falutin' witticisms there way and see what they do. 2) Educate. It is distinctly possible that after a thorough baptism in the Arts and Sciences, Monsieur Wharton might discover there is a thing called life, uniquely different than the thing called money and just as intoxicating. Often times, this results in tears and cries of repentance. When it fails, however, these people end up opening vast book store chains, charging outlandish sums to an undiscerning public. 3) Beat them silly. Obviously, one and two are preferred, but desperate times call for desperate measures. Granted, we can make them look like the football team in a moral battle. In brute force, though, we might come up a bit short. Nevertheless, there is no exemption from struggle. We must fight the good fight for the Great Ideal. And if we lose, we can always end up buying and selling small countries from the comfort of our 40-foot yacht, as drifts majestically among the calm seas of the Caribbean.