DP Swamis: The Quotes are real. So are the turbans.

With the arrival of the football season, so too come the turbans, magic carpets and profound prognostication of pigskin events, a.k.a. the only pure Penn genius. Fully aware of the glorified status we Swamis possess, let it be noted that every now and then, we power up the carpets and make a pilgrimage of pity to some far off place of the common person. Mind you not often -- our turbans might get dirty. A dirty mouth is what one certain Dartmouth alum used to get fired from the holiest of holy shrines. ESPN was where one green weenie Brett Haber worked. Then he vanished. We rubbed our turbans, wondering where he slipped of to, when the real story became known to us. Apparently, Haber was at the 1995 U.S. Open, when a fan commented on the crooked nature of his necktie. Haber looked at his cameraman and said something to the effect of, "It's your job to tell me that, fuckstick." Good thing the cameraman had the tool of his profession running. And boy was his boss happy. And fired was what Haber was. And like most Dartmouthites, Haber left us unfulfilled in our quest of Ivy pigskin punditry. Continuing on, we went on a sojourn to seek other Dartmouths. The first one we found was at a pit stop in the lovely haven of downtown Swarthmore. We came across "Dartmouth Flowers." So we picked up a couple of pansies for the Big Green as a welcoming gift this weekend. But then we proceeded to the house of the Dartmouth family -- common people with a name that means loser, certainly no higher education here. Mr. House A. Dartmouth. No joke, you can't make a name like that up. This man's name was House, not to mention his deaf wife, and his inbred kids Kathy and Ed. Apparently Dartmouth has no SATU program, as House could only muster a: "Huh, hhaaaaa, let me give you to my wife. . .." We got his wife, all right. But she had drops in her ears. Obviously in no shape to prognosticate the pigskin, we fired up the carpets and flew to Georgia. Atlanta was just like home, maneuvering around all of those damn bullets. Next stop, the house of Eleanor Dartmouth. With a little urging and a lot of help, Eleanor finally realized what the Ancient Eight was. She then tried to shed light on this weekend. But she was apparently left in the dark. Eleanor chose Yale, Harvard, Cornell and Dartmouth, but then proved why she, like other Big Greeners, are not the brightest stars in the galaxy. "But I ain't never heard of Brown. Why aren't Georgia Tech, Georgia and Ole Miss in there?" Ggghhhhh. Well, this is an Ivy League poll. "They ain't in the Ivy Leagues now is they?" Maybe if he gets his tie -- or fake turban, straight -- Haber can help you out.