COLUMN: A quick, easy guide to Penn

From Nathan Smith's, "Just Skip to the Crossword," Fall '97 From Nathan Smith's, "Just Skip to the Crossword," Fall '97It's that time again. Fall arrives and the campus is flooded with fledgling college students. I see you going to classes, nervously adjusting to newfound independence. I suppose that with the supervision of dormitory GFs, RAs, and Faculty Fellows and Masters, it's more like life with training wheels than complete independence. However, knowing that all of you youngsters out there are seeking the guidance of the wise and old like myself, I thought I'd cough up a little glob of insight for you to hold and cherish. I thought to myself, what are the most important things an undergraduate might need to know in order to be fully prepared for life on their own? After weeks of knitting my brow over the grindstone by the light of the midnight oil, I've come up with seven prime directives to make undergraduate life livable. I stopped at seven because of the cosmic significance of that number: seven days in a week, seven deadly sins, seven dwarves, seven-layer tacos, seven teeth remaining in my mouth, '70s fashion and seven examples in this sentence. It's one of the great universal constants. The Seven Prime Directives of College Life. 1. Underwear goes on the INSIDE. 2. Ideals must be kept above compromise regardless of the pressures you may find exerted upon them. However, when the time comes and you have to write a paper for a professor whose philosophy directly contradicts your own, tell them what they want to hear or bend over, buddy. 3. Don't sell yourself short. Sell yourself cheap. 4. Always remember to pronounce the "g" in college like a "j." 5. Read The Daily Pennsylvanian every day, cover to cover. It will provide a healthy antidote for the thoughtful and well-written texts you read for coursework. 6. It's important to make a first impression suitable for an Ivy League student. Always introduce yourself with a title. Personally, I use "Doctoral Student in Education, and still Bantamweight Champion of the World, Nathaniel 'Silly Straw Chromosome' Smith III, esquire." However, as you are a bit younger, you might want to think of something less daunting, like "Billy 'footsweat' Joe Bob." 7. Remember that college is a time for trying out different looks, exploring identities and the various expressions of your individuality. So dare to be yourself! Women, try something radical like a black shirt, tight black bellbottoms, and clogs. Men, show your daring with jeans and a woven leather belt, a polo, and a hat advertising your fraternity letters. You might get a lot of stares and people leaning out their car windows yelling "Freak!" All the same, it's worth it to show what a unique and original individual you are. If you follow these prime directives, you can survive just fine at Penn. There is one area unto itself, however, in which a whole different set of rules applies. This is, of course, the dreaded dating scene. There are some very special rules to dating which are not Penn-specific, but rather timeless and universal. Believe me, these are hard learned lessons awaiting the unsuspecting. I've learned them all the hard way (because, in my impetuous youth, I would never take the advice of some withered 23-year-old chump). In a desperate effort to save all of you the trouble, I've composed a second list of Do's and Don'ts to guide you through your romantic foibles. They are here arranged in temporal order for your first date. It's versatile; if at any point your date does the dating "don't," you can skip straight to the last step. ·Do: Get phone numbers. Don't: Call collect at 5 a.m. ·Do: Keep calm and cool. Don't: Freak out, propose marriage during first phone conversation. ·Do: Dress appropriately with fly zipped. Don't: Wear camouflage parachute pants with a toolbelt, no shirt and a snakeskin necktie. ·Do: Show up for the rendezvous in a leisurely manner, proving that you are not desperate. Don't: Greet your arriving date with "So, finally crawled out of your pimp's bed, eh?" ·Do: Offer to pay for the meal. Don't: Offer to pay your date. ·Do: Escort your date home. Don't: Put your date in a home (even if it seems in his or her best interests). ·Do: Come upstairs for cocktails. Don't: Accept Molotov cocktails. ·Do: Hold the door so your date can go in first. Don't: Carry your date over the threshold. ·Do: Demonstrate maturity and intelligence. Don't: Put on a puppet show with your genitalia. ·Do: Be genuine and forthright in conversation. Don't: Say you're related to Gary Coleman. ·Do: Make the first move. Don't: Stop to call a friend and tell them how the date is going. ·Do: Give them a backrub. Don't: Give them pinkeye. ·Do: Wear a condom. Don't: Wear it out. ·Do: Fall asleep in each others arms. Don't: Let your arms fall asleep. ·Do: Shower together. Don't: Golden shower together. ·Do: Serve breakfast in bed. Don't: Cook breakfast in bed. ·Do: Whisper goodbye softly and make arrangements to see one another again soon. Don't: Call back ever again. Yes, these might not be absolute rules for the perfect date, but they certainly do prevent a lot of nasty little entanglements. Especially that last rule; I picked that up from watching my own dates in action. Yessirree bobtail, you now have a concise handbook on life in Penn. These lessons learned, you should be able to successfully navigate the treacherous world of academics, socializing, and dating. God forbid you should be left to discover these things for yourself; you might start to think for yourself, find your own path in life, and experience the world like no other ever has. And just look where that gets you.