Quakers meet Quakers in Quaker Cup

This article appeared in the joke issue. Never before had there been such an odd assembly of athletes. Forty fencing Quakers, usually known for their pacifism, came from all over the United States to compete in the cut-throat Quaker Cup. After returning from the NCAA Championships at the Air Force Academy, the Penn men's fencing team travelled to Guilford, N.C., to take part in the tournament, hosted by the Quakers of Guilford College. Guilford, not usually known for its athletic accomplishment, came on strong in the NCAA Championships, finishing in 67th place. As a result of this stellar finish, they were asked to host the 235th annual Quaker reunion. Also competing in the Quaker Cup were the Quakers of Dakota Wesleyan and the Quakers of Norfolk State. This was the first year that all four of these teams attended. The Penn Quakers finished the meet in first place to capture the odd trophy, portraying the symbolic inverted oxen. Winning the foil title, finishing second in the sabre and fourth in the epee earned Penn a clear victory. Fencing foil for Penn were the fab freshmen. Cliff Bayer went 12-0 at the meet, extending his winning streak to 146 straight victories. He defeated Kevin Kaufman of Guilford in the final bout, 5-0. Fellow freshman Rick Bernstein went 5-0 before retiring in his bout with Dickie Smoll of Norfolk St. Bernstein was winning the bout 3-0 before he tripped on the gold foil strip. The extent of his injury is unknown. Penn coach Dave Micahnik is petitioning the NCAA for Guilford maintenance man Rocco Rogers to be fired for his shoddy installation of the strip. "It's really not fair that one of my stars gets hurt because of some meathead's horrible installation," Micahnik said. "My great-aunt Ida could have put that strip down better, and she's 124-years-old." In the sabre class, Penn junior Sandy Agashiwala was the only Quaker to compete. Sophomores Jeff Allen and Russ Boling received bids, but Allen was unable to attend because his weapon was being repaired by Penn assistant coach Boris Tsypenyuk, while Boling was unable to attend due to minor head injuries. Agashiwala made it to the final bout, where he lost to Dakota Wesleyan's Andrew Hutch. For the epees, Alex Edelman was Penn's top finisher. With a record of 8-2 in the round robin, Edelman fell to Sven S. Svenson of Dakota Wesleyan, in the semifinals. Svenson went on to win the epee round over teammate Chau Main. In a rare display of unsportsmanlike conduct after Svenson earned his clinching point, he proceeded to physically assault his teammate, rendering him unconscious for a few hours. After spending the night in the hospital for observation, Main was still quite surprised. "I really can't believe that my own teammate would do that to me," said the recovering Main. "I mean, we were best of friends before this happened. We shared sodas, went to the movies together and we even went roller skating once." In the tradition of the competition, the winning coach can choose a specific beverage he wants to drink from the championship Quaker Cup. Micahnik chose to drink Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple, and share the sweet taste of victory with his pupils. "I really love Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple," Micahnik said. "It's so much better than Mango Madness or even Cherry-Lemonade. It was the obvious choice." On the way back from North Carolina, the van driver, Penn senior and team captain Adam Harris Brown got a ticket for reckless driving. When asked by the Delaware state trooper if he had anything to drink, Brown replied, "Only Kiwi-Strawberry Snapple."