Penn to purchase several Drexel University buildings

The additional facilities will give Penn needed departmental space. The additional facilities will give Penn needed departmental space.This article appeared in the joke issue. Hailing it as a move that will benefit both schools, University President Judith Rodin announced plans yesterday to purchase several Drexel University buildings for use by Penn. Rodin explained that the school made the decision to purchase Drexel's Physical Education Center, Hagerty Library and General Service and Parking Garage -- all of which are located along Market Street between 33rd and 34th streets -- because of the facilities' proximity to campus and high physical quality. "The buildings are all in great shape and further add to our strategic acquisitions around campus," she said. "The cost of building [new facilities] ourselves was just too damn high." At a joint press conference announcing the sale, Drexel President Constantine Papadakis said he was "sad to lose the buildings," but that he saw the sale as a personal gift to Penn. "Let's face it --EPenn needs decent gym and library facilities a hell of a lot more than we do. Have you ever been inside the Hutchinson weight room? It's a smelly subterranean dungeon," he said. "Plus, our students prefer outdoor recreational activities, like rappelling, more than being confined indoors." Rodin refused to explain how Penn would pay for the purchase -- which the two presidents confirmed would cost the University "several hundred million" dollars -- but hinted that "several unorthodox methods of funding have been identified." Executive Vice President John Fry, however, confirmed that the purchase is part of a larger University plan to purchase and absorb all of Drexel. "That Time article helped us realize that we've raised our tuition about as high as we can -- in the short term -- and we really need to find some more money," he explained. "Making Superblock a more attractive place to live -- even by painting the buildings happy shades of pink rather than blowing them up -- will cost us money that we'd rather leave in our endowment." Fry added that absorbing Drexel's approximately 6,000 undergraduate students represented a potential windfall for the University. "These kids have been paying too little for too long," he stressed. "If they want to be located this close to Penn, they should be prepared to pay the way Penn students do. "Even if we only charge them $24,000 a year tuition, with 6,000 more students we're looking at another $144 million per year for our little corporation, er, for our beloved university." But Papadakis -- who proudly cites the coolness of his name as a prime reason for students to attend Drexel -- said Penn "won't absorb my school without a fight." "Penn may have more money, a better name, a larger student body, and a nicer campus," he said, shaking his fist angrily. "But when it comes time to resolve this dispute like adults, I can take Rodin. She doesn't scare me anymore," he added. Rodin, however, expressed confidence in her abilities to "kick Papadakis' Greek ass." In an apparent misunderstanding, InterFraternity Council President Matt Baker, a College and Engineering junior, pointed to Rodin's remarks as proof of Penn's bias against his organization. "First, Judy told us we couldn't charge at the door because of some stupid state law, now this -- who do they think they're threatening?" he asked. "But it doesn't matter what they try. We Greeks stick together, and we'll have our fun. Damn everyone else."