Nursing School gets Trump change

This article appeared in the joke issue. Wealthy University graduate Donald Trump announced a major gift to the Nursing School yesterday, officials said. As a condition of the grant -- which Nursing Dean Norma Lang described as "substantial" -- the school agreed to rename itself after the real estate mogul. But in contrast to recent donations such as that of Wharton alumnus Paul Kelly -- after whom the Kelly Writers House in named -- Trump insisted that the school be simply known as "Trump." "Not the 'Trump Nursing School,' or the 'Trump School of the University of Pennsylvania," he stressed. "I wanted it to simply be given my name." Trump explained that he decided to endow the school because "it's small, friendly and full of chicks," noting that he hoped the gift would bring his son "the advantages with the ladies I never had whileEat Penn." Smiling broadly, Trump said he looked forward to hearing prospective Nursing students "ask themselves how to get into Trump, whether Trump would be easy or hard this year, or even expressing sadness that Trump turned them down." "Man, I hope Ivana [Trump, his ex-wife] decided to try to go back to school for a nursing degree," he said. "Can you picture the rejection letter? 'Sorry, you're not good enough for Trump.' Hah!" University President Judith Rodin said she was grateful to Trump for the gift, which she said would be put to "constructive and perhaps surprising use." "We had been hoping for a gift of this magnitude for a long time," she said. "I was wondering how long it would take before he gave into my feminine wiles and kicked in some dough." But Rodin stressed that she never resorted to screaming "show me the money" --Ethe overused catchphrase from the Academy Award-nominated Jerry Maguire -- during her fundraising efforts with the mogul. "I never, ever sunk that low," she insisted. "I would do a lot for this University --Elike wearing a short, black leather mini-skirt in front of the President of the United States -- but even I have some standards." Rodin, however, refused to elaborate on what those standards were. Trump's son, Wharton freshman Donald Trump Jr., said he appreciated his father's gift to the Nursing School. "Anything that helps me score is my kind of gift," he said. "I guess Nursing students are as good as anyone else." He added that after almost a full year of "striking out," he would "take just about anything that walks, and probably some things that don't." But several Nursing students said that the gift wouldn't affect their attitudes towards the unlucky freshman. "I still wouldn't touch him," said a Nursing sophomore who requested anonymity. "He's still a dork -- a rich dork, but a dork nevertheless."