COLUMN: Spring Fling's morality lesson

From Shiraz Allidina's, "Asian Hil Lizard," Fall '97 From Shiraz Allidina's, "Asian Hil Lizard," Fall '97 Intelligent conversation and a few pints of decent beer. I can't think of a better recipe for an enjoyable evening (or afternoon, or morning, if you prefer). That's why I was pleased when a professor suggested we should continue our class discussion at the New Deck. My professor then added "Of course, these days I must ask you all if you're 21." He sighed and explained that a few years ago it would have been unthinkable for a faculty member or administrator to attempt to police the student body. "Back then, we were just here to open minds." Of course in the enlightened nineties, University administrators have finally discovered their proper role. They realize as undergraduates they themselves were given far too much power. Now, as administrators, they will finally set things straight: the University is here to teach morality -- to police. They even have a fancy foreign phrase for this idea: In loco parentis. (I'm a finance major, not a Latin expert. But I do know my head from my posteriori.) The University's employees (University President Judith Rodin et al) do have the right -- nay, the obligation -- to teach us what is what. They are our community, our village, as Hillary Clinton pontificates. (It intrigues me that the United States is the only democracy on Earth where the unelected consort of the Head of State is taken even remotely seriously.) If it wasn't for the administration's sage tutelage, we would certainly turn out to be anarchic monsters rather than civilized beings. Some of you may puzzle, as our good friend Meno did, "can Virtue be taught?" I am reminded of an old friend -- let's call him Etienne the Libertine. Etienne's daily ritual included taking a few bong hits in the evening before sitting down to study for orgo. He would fondly recall his freshman year when, on Superbowl Sunday, RAs stormed into his room and performed an extensive drug and alcohol search. Through sheer guile and quick-thinking, he managed to avoid getting caught and is presently studying to be a neurosurgeon at one of this country's top medical schools. I think it is deplorable that the University did not succeed in teaching Etienne the error of his ways. They should have done a better job in policing his morals. Make no mistake, it is morality, not student safety, that is the issue. Those who argue safety is the primary issue have missed the point. If a student dies by getting hit by a car, the University would never suggest a ban on crossing the street. However, administrators are deathly afraid that someone might get killed by drinking himself to death, as recently occurred in an unfortunate incident at Frostburg State University. Policy conclusion: all drinking should be carefully regulated or banned. The main difference between the two cases is that drink is immoral. This should be of no surprise to those of us who embrace our beloved Puritan society. A recent Canadian study shows the risks of having a car accident when the driver is either intoxicated or talking on a cellular phone are about the same. However, talking on a cellular phone is hardly immoral, so it is perfectly acceptable and legal to do so while driving. Morality, as President Bill Clinton reminds us from his pulpit, needs to be instilled by the community. Obviously, it is incumbent upon the University administration, in its role as fellow villager, to make sure each and every one of us has a good moral fibre. But what is the best way to teach morality? I believe the most effective, efficient way to instill virtue in our youth is to clearly demonstrate the terrible consequences of immoral behavior. In the interests of society, each and every one of us has a responsibility to do this. In this vein, I suggest the University fulfill their obligation to us in the most obvious, logical manner available. Namely, they should take advantage of that glorious period of Bachanalian revelry known as Spring Fling. University administrators, in the interest of morality, must wheel dozens of kegs into the Quadrangle -- like they did back in the seventies. Furthermore, it is imperative they allow Amsterdam-coffeshop-style rules in terms of other recreational substances. Lastly, the University should encourage immoral behavior of all kinds, including vigorous and variegated sexual conjugation. These policies would create an environment of maximum immorality. Hence, we innocents would soon learn the consequences of such orgiastic behavior. Of course, upperclassmen who know better would be obligated to show the young freshmen the perils of these vices (by indulging in them, of course.) Having seen the dire consequences of Dionysian debauchery, I am certain all students would renounce these and other evils. The University's morality problem would be solved. See you at Fling.