COLUMN: A reward system with cheesesteaks

From Jason Brenner's, "My 20 Inches," Fall '97 From Jason Brenner's, "My 20 Inches," Fall '97 It's the perfect blend of athletic perfection and culinary satisfaction. Just like milk and cookies go hand in hand, just like West Philly and armed robbers, just like celery and chili con queso, so do the cheesesteak and the high-scoring college basketball game. When Penn reached that magical number against Lehigh on December 7 of last year our lustful dreams came to life in the form of a wild cheesesteak orgy. (So maybe I just crossed the line of social acceptability in comparing a free cheesesteak to an unbridled session of group sex.) While utterly pleased at the Quakers' successful -- and blatantly intentional -- attempt to feed their loyal followers, I say we should apply this ingenious approach of providing edible rewards for remarkable achievements to other areas of University life. Success in other extracurricular activities could warrant a free cheesesteak given to anyone in attendance. For example, if Penn's adored chess team won a hard-fought match against the geniuses at Widener, both of the spectators cheering on the Quakers would win free food. Likewise, if the Undergraduate Assembly managed to successfully accomplish anything, every Penn student would win a free cheesesteak?and $100,000. Perhaps Abner's would allow Penn to apply the cheesesteak promotion to academics. Abner's could provide every science major with free cheesesteaks if everyone in Physics for Poets achieved a C-minus or higher in the course. Moreover, if every Folklore student received an A in his/her respective class -- nah, forget that, no one cares about Folklore anyway. If the Annenberg School for Communication allowed every undergraduate major to gain entry into any Communications course, every professor in the school would receive a free videotape -- directed by Steven Spielberg and narrated by Walter Cronkite -- of an Abner's employee preparing a cheesesteak. A system of rewards could also be applied to Penn employees if they succeed in difficult endeavors. If the staff serving the food at Class of 1923 Commons managed to crack a smile when a student thanked them for providing such a generous helping of delicious cuisine, every Penn employee could win a "butt steak," the house specialty. (If you think I'm making this up, go to Stouffer Dining Commons sometime and there's a good chance this fine delicacy will be on the menu.) Achievement in construction of University buildings could be celebrated with edible rewards as well. If workers manage to complete renovations to Logan Hall by the end of this century, every person on the construction crew -- as well as the leader of the teamsters union -- would be provided with five hearty cheesesteaks. Why five delicious Philly steaks you may ask?The chances of Logan Hall being completed by the year 2000 roughly equate to the odds of the Quakers scoring 500 points in a single basketball game. Now that we've provided palatable prizes for success in athletics, extracurricular activities, academics, construction, and the friendliness of the dining staff, perhaps we could take this system of culinary rewards to the top of the University hierarchy. If University President Judith Rodin could develop a plan that would successfully prevent any Penn students from falling victim to violent crime for just one month (we'll even include February with its paltry 28 days), she and Provost Stanley Chodorow would each receive one free cheesesteak and Rodin's chauffeur would be provided with something he values much more than food: an ounce of fresh marijuana. Scoff if you will at my controversial suggestion, but I believe that Penn must institute a system of culinary bribery in order to ensure that every facet of the University reaches its maximum potential. It worked for Pavlov's dogs, why wouldn't it work for members of the University community? Students will double their GPA's and employees will drastically improve their efficiency. Penn's world-renowned wasteful bureaucracy will be smoothed to resemble the workings of a well-oiled machine. Campus safety will increase ten-fold. Before we know it, Penn and Abner's cheesesteaks will go hand in hand just like scrambled eggs and beer.