GUEST COLUMN: "Table for one, thank you

Michele Miller says there'sMichele Miller says there'snothing wrong with being single atMichele Miller says there'snothing wrong with being single atthis point in our lives. Michele Miller says there'snothing wrong with being single atthis point in our lives."So vere's da boyfriend?" my grandmother hollered while the family slurped matzoh ball soup two weeks ago. This is her utmost concern for her eldest granddaughter, already 20 years old. I replied, as I usually do, "No boyfriend now, Gramma," with neither shame nor justification for my answer. This is because my entire family, including aunts, uncles and cousins, is aware of my belief that we young adults are usually better off single at this stage in our lives. The pressure to live one's life as half of a couple is evident not just in Jewish households like mine, but in families of many ethnic backgrounds. The very fabric of American popular culture is woven with the belief that we all should be in a committed relationship. Look up while walking to class, and you will no doubt see couples hand-in-hand. Browse through a Hallmark or two and you will pick up strong signals that those around us either have significant others -- or should. Aware of this pressure, I asked a handful of college women about men and heard resounding cynicism and bitterness, half tongue-in-cheek of course, due to disappointment with their search. We arrive at college alone, and immediately, we must maneuver in the social entanglement that confronts first-year students, all roaming, some aimlessly and some with aims destined to change. The transformation of the phrase "Finding yourself" into a cliche has caused a general ignorance and neglect of the importance of self-discovery; we are often compelled to rediscover our identities immediately prior to venturing out into the ever-popular "real world," when we are no longer surrounded by those socializing agents known as our family and close friends, with whom we had closely identified. Instead, we are free to define ourselves in other ways. The incentive for exploration becomes the opportunity to create ourselves anew or develop the seeds of adulthood planted long ago. As complicated as this feat is to achieve, some choose to add yet another variable to the equation by committing to a significant other. While they may be fulfilling for a time, these relationships bring danger, in that this newly important person can become the security blanket our families were at home. "Finding yourself" gets much more complicated when we are forced to take into consideration the interests, needs and desires of another person just as clueless as we are. Sociologists have studied the gendered patterns of emergence from post-adolescence into adulthood. Evidence suggests that men develop a sense of self with a focus on scholarly and career accomplishments. Women, on the other hand, tend to define themselves through their responsibility and success in maintaining relationships. This distinction leads to the conclusion that intense relationships with men during the college years allow women to go from defining themselves through home relationships to establishing the same mechanism in their boyfriends, leaving little room for independent self-definition. The pattern of self-definition through external association with men permits women to perpetuate the weekend "meat market" on college campuses, while men continue to gain self-esteem not from girls' attention but from the realization of their own efforts and abilities. Male actions do not center on a female source of companionship, because the male emotional state -- according to experts -- tends to depend little on attention from the opposite sex and more on personal achievements. Perhaps women should put more emphasis on the things they do with their lives, and not on whether Joe Schmoe from Saturday night will call. Female students' visions of reality and sense of priorities, in terms of lifetime goals, are easily skewed by the rollercoaster ride of a serious relationship. These patterns tend to continue through adulthood. Distinguishing a bond between two stable people exploring independent life together (as contradictory as that may seem) from a hampering obstacle to a struggling sense of self-reliance is not easy, but drawing the distinction becomes much more difficult when those around us take for granted that relationships are a positive influence on our lives. Now, all interactions between the sexes on college campuses are not -- and neither should they be -- superficial or platonic. Admittedly, men are not "on the prowl" every weekend. But if we maintain a focus on identity boundaries and independence, we could learn a lot from developing meaningful relationships with those in whom we are interested. Growing dependent on a boy or girlfriend, and changing the way in which we meet others while committed to that person, is a legitimate danger and a detriment to our development as individuals. Women tend to be at a higher risk for blurring their identity boundaries and not fostering their own interests. Through conversations with female friends currently in relationships, I have discovered that most are aware of a significant degree of dependence on their boyfriends, and that they tend to adopt similar ideas and opinions. Due to this awareness, most fear the adjustment phase that follows a break-up, the time when they can no longer depend on him. I write not in an attempt to cause mass destruction of stable relationships between co-eds all over campus. My intention is drawing attention to the importance of making decisions for ourselves and exploring our own interests. Stress on this aspect of our development is especially crucial for women, due to enduring conceptions of rigid gender roles in society that limit women's spectrum of opportunities. So do not pity the lone lunchers on College Green, lazily people-watching or earnestly poring over a text, or those who proudly prance through campus holding no one's hand. Life is a series of phases and transitions, and nothing is permanent, especially our social state of being. I welcome the coming day to design as I may, going to classes, eating and planning an evening's activities -- according to only my own whim and fancy. I hope this enthusiasm becomes contagious.