COLUMN: Deep thoughts

From Jorie Green's, "Sauce on the Side," Fall '96 From Jorie Green's, "Sauce on the Side," Fall '96A selection of weighty views on substantiveFrom Jorie Green's, "Sauce on the Side," Fall '96A selection of weighty views on substantiveissues ranging from Education to theFrom Jorie Green's, "Sauce on the Side," Fall '96A selection of weighty views on substantiveissues ranging from Education to theEconomy - and they're better than thoseFrom Jorie Green's, "Sauce on the Side," Fall '96A selection of weighty views on substantiveissues ranging from Education to theEconomy - and they're better than thoseseen on Saturday Night Live. From Jorie Green's, "Sauce on the Side," Fall '96A selection of weighty views on substantiveissues ranging from Education to theEconomy - and they're better than thoseseen on Saturday Night Live. Now, I know to my most faithful readers, seeing the headline "Deep thoughts" near my byline may seem a bit contradictory. But I can assure you that I do have deep thoughts on a number of weighty topics, from the subliminal symbolism in the last Jim Carrey movie to the way that singing to houseplants can enhance our lives. But they don't know the real me. They don't know that I am thinking all the time -- that is, when I'm not watching Singled Out on MTV. They don't know that I've used expressions like "metaphysical ulterior motive," "abundant binary opposition" and "the seminality of water-skiing" in English papers. So to these skeptics, I dedicate my last column -- which, mind you, contains only a sprinkling of my deepest thoughts on some of the most important issues in today's society: The economy. The economy is a necessary part of the fabric of this wonderful nation, because without it, we would not have money. In fact, I have been told that our economy is the chief source of revenue in this place we like to call the U.S. of A. And what would we do without revenue, after all? We certainly wouldn't be able to buy Versace outfits. Education. People are always arguing about school vouchers and dismantling the Department of Education and things like that, blah, blah, blah. But I think what we really need is more circus clowns in the classrooms. After all, I wasn't able to remember my multiplication tables until Carlos the Clown came into my second-grade math lesson and juggled a handful of calculators while he taught us this song: "Seven times four is 28, and the Room 116 second graders are really great!" Religion. Without religion, where would we be? I'll tell you where: We'd be a trigger-happy, sex-crazed, sinning society. Luckily, though, this is not the case and we are all going to Heaven. Those of us who cannot go to Heaven quite yet should contact a travel agent and make reservations for a trip to Club Med. There may not be any angels with harps over there, but I've heard the weather is just as nice. Abortion. It should be every woman's right to get an abortion, just as it should be every woman's right to intimidate, harass and stalk her fellow sisters who do choose to get abortions. Although it might be tempting to demand that these people "shut up" or "mind their own business," we should remember that in this country, you do not have to mind your own business -- unless, of course, you are accused of being a proponent of "Big Government." Then you really ought to shut up, if you know what's good for you. Feminism. I am grateful to feminists every morning, when I get dressed and do not have to put on a corset under my clothing. Have you heard about these corsets? They were made out of whalebone, and they cinched unliberated women's waists so tight that sometimes their internal organs would just pop right out of their mouths, like waffles out of a toaster. But feminists pointed out that corsets were bad -- just like not allowing women to vote was bad -- and now only porno stars wear them. But I'm not sure if porno stars vote. Maybe someone should talk to them about that. Funding the arts and humanities. I think it is very important that this country continue to fund the arts and humanities, because without arts and humanities, the only thing the average American would have left to do in his or her spare time would be to go to football games. And if art imitates life and there is no more art, then football would be the only thing available to do the imitating. Can you imagine how angry NFL referees and season ticket holders would get if that happened? Transportation. Drivers should be nicer to one another, even in traffic jams. Bus drivers should stop when they notice that a woman overburdened with shopping bags has been chasing their vehicle for five blocks, panting "Wait for me!" And although speeding should remain illegal, cops should not be so snide and condescending when they ask you how fast you think you were going. I mean, what do they expect you to say? "Uh, 25 miles per hour, Mr. Radar Gun." Love. It is very good that people love each other. It is very good that people love their country, New York, '80s music and Jesus. It is not good when truck drivers feel the need to yell out things like "I love you" to female pedestrians. The fact that they drive away so quickly afterwards can send out mixed and damaging signals. Food. Most importantly, I feel quite strongly that calorie counting and warnings about fat intake should be banned on an international level. I mean, why should anyone have to turn down kung pao shrimp or fettuccine alfredo? It's a silly sacrifice, anyway. After all, you could always ask for the sauce on the side.