COLUMN: Brand New Funky President

From Nathan Smith's "South End of the Northbound," Fall '95 From Nathan Smith's "South End of the Northbound," Fall '95Well, well, well. It seems our so-called government feels comfortable enough to simply adjourn for a while. I'm sure most of our officials in Congress are too excited at the prospect of more free time to sexually harass co-workers to realize that they have provided the perfect opportunity for a total government takeover. Who?who could possibly lead us to this glorious future? Yep, you guessed it -- the dishonorable Nathaniel W. Smith. What I lack in charisma I make up for with my total lack of scruples and common sense. So before our bickering politicians realize what's happening, I'm going to put forth my platform for all of my readers to consider. "Strike them with a hot iron," my mom always used to say. First, I want you to know that I do have a plan. I wish to implant a new form of government, called a "Nathocracy" by sociologists, in which all three branches of the government are unified in one central branch: my office. This would eliminate this senseless process, "checks and balances" I think they call it, which results in endless vetoes, bureaucracies and governmental shut-downs. Furthermore, no one could dodge the responsibility for society's problems; it would all fall squarely on the shoulders of your fearless leader. But, best of all, these problems would be alleviated entirely by my new policies. Let me quickly preview a few of them. Many have expressed concern over the issue of universal health care. Medical fees have skyrocketed, and so few people can afford the care they desperately need. Under my government, health care would be consolidated into three services to which every American would have full access. The first would be a two-hour massage every morning for every citizen. Can you imagine what a better world this would be if every one woke up to a two-hour, professional back rub every day? Even if they were suffering from myriad other ailments, they would simply be too relaxed to care. The second part of my new socialized medical care involves the administration of lobotomies to 99 percent of the population (the final one percent would be the surgeons, who after completing their work, would have to learn how to lobotomize themselves). This would also prevent individuals from growing dissatisfied with their social standing, or for that matter, with anything at all. In addition, it may be the only manner in which I could actually rise to power. Finally, I propose a universal dental plan. Everyone, even those post-ops who have forgotten how to chew, would have a mouthful of shining, pearly white, perfectly straight teeth. I mean, we can't have a country full of happy smiling citizens if their teeth are brown, crooked or missing altogether. Not to mention, constant dental work would keep everyone in the country numbed with novocaine while inhaling nitrous oxide on a regular basis, a practice guaranteed to produce euphoric, unquestioning patriotism. From my health care plan (which, even if I do not win the support of my readers, the government is sure to adopt in lieu of the current proposals) we move to foreign policy. It's a hard one to tackle, because there are just too many countries with their different cultures, languages, economies and rebellions. The obvious solution to this problem -- make every country in the world part of the United States. It used to be called such dirty names as "manifest destiny" or "imperialism" and even "colonialism," but I prefer to call it "global unification." Each country instantly becomes a single state, and each state or province within a country becomes a county. How could foreign relations be a problem when there aren't any foreign countries? That's the part that will win me a Nobel Prize, I'm sure. Due to length constrictions, I can only allow a glimpse of one last segment of my plan for the perfect government. The time has come to take serious measures for the saving of our fragile ecosystem. But hey, big businesses have all the money, and money equals power, so we'll never stop their wanton, money-hungry destruction of our natural resources. Thus, I propose we remove all people, and all the signs of human civilization, from South America. This will be the world's nature preserve, where no structures could be built. Of course, for the sake of ensuring the continued survival of the human race in case of some holocaust, we should provide housing and supplies for two individuals to live in the center of the preserve. They will provide an "Adam and Eve" type foundation for the continuation of the human race (just imagine, a jungle paradise infested with inbreds). In fact, I'll be the noble one to volunteer for this job, because I'd much rather be in the middle of nowhere than trying to deal with the world's problems. So who's the lucky lady ready to volunteer to help me save the human race? Hello? Anyone? Oh, well, I guess we'll have to scrap that part of the plan. I know what you're probably thinking. You're saying to yourself, "hey, this guy's plans are half baked." And I say to you, gentle reader, that my ideas are fully baked, thank you very much. And take a moment to consider the alternatives. Do we really want to cut public broadcasting, student financial aid, social programs to help poor and marginalized segments of the population, restrictions on environmental destruction by large corporations and funding for the NEA? Is that any more reasonable of an alternative? Personally, I'd take a massage and a lobotomy over that kind of social injustice any day of the week.