IVY ROUNDUP: Columbia fans can't sink goal posts; Olbermann saddened

As everyone knows by now, the mighty Penn football squad lost its first game in three years to Columbia. Everything else in the Ivy League, as usual, was inconsequential. So, without further ado, let us delve straight into the world of this league of ours, and try to dig up stuff that no one else really cares about. To begin, however, we here at Roundup feel the need to lift our deflated egos, and tell you just who were: Columbia Losers of the Week Just figuring out where to start singling out the losers is no easy task -- there's just too many of them. A good start, however, can be found right in the athletic department itself. Upon receiving the three-dollar Columbia program for free (Hmmm), our Roundup snoops quickly noticed the label given to our esteemed president Judy Rodin and athletic director Steve Bilsky. At the bottom of page two, right next to the Columbia president and athletic director, Rodin and Bilsky were listed under the college of "St. Mary's." We at Roundup don't really have to much to say about this mistake, other than: is it true? Are they really transferring to St. Mary's? Honestly now, we hope not. Bogged down in the sheer number of Loser of the Week applicants, we were forced to choose every fan that rushed the Wein Stadium field to hold that title. Led by the chairman of the Columbia Loser of the Week committee, Jonah Hansen, as the time trickled down, so did the fans. After running around confused for awhile (after all, they have no experience at this), the group of fans charged the West goal post. With the Harlem River running right next to the stadium, we Quakers could only envision the goal post bobbing down into the Hudson along with the rest of Harlem's murder victims. Alas, we were wrong. After one fan hung from the post, and failed to bring it down by himself, they all gave up! Hello – do they really suck that much? To find our answer, we asked the chief loser for an explanation. "Well, the stadium was renovated recently," Hansen explained. "The goal post was a lot stronger than we thought." It is painfully obvious to us that the S.U.N.Y.-Harlemites have no basic motor skills and therefore cannot tear down a goal post. What will happen if (gasp) they actually win an Ivy crown? Somehow we don't see that happening. So, the question remains, what did they do after they gave up on the goal post. Hansen enlightened us: "Well, um, I personally was running in circles, and, um, everybody was hugging random people." After their first -- and last -- sexual experiences, the fans did what any fan would do after beating Penn -- have tailgate parties. Since the school is so far away from the stadium, the only thing to do is to barbeque. For more insight on the events of the actual game, however, we had to look further. The man we found is this week's: Cornell Alum of the Week Normally at Roundup, we do not compliment anyone from any other Ivy League school -- they're just not worthy of it. It was Sunday night, however, that we began a quest to speak with a man worthy of godly status -- a man everyone can only love. As we were watching our hour-long Sunday episode of ESPN's SportsCenter we heard a truly amazing line. Keith Olbermann (Cornell '79) sat there in his stoic yet comical manner (which we can only admire, not replicate), and said, "On paper, the Indianapolis Colts had as much chance of beating the Miami Dolphins as Cornell football did." As all NFL fans know, the Colts pulled the upset, and we at Roundup were concerned that Olbermann may have been subliminally alluding to a Cornell over Penn upset. In an effort to clarify this issue, we spoke with Keith himself from his bucolic Bristol, Conn., office, hoping that a man of his prestige could enlighten us. The first thing we asked Lord Olbermann was what he thought about our loss. "Damn! It just breaks my heart," he said. We at Roundup are glad that he, the Big Red grad, indeed has a heart. King Keith also explained that he thought "adjusting" athletes' scholarly requirements was a big mistake. "Adjusting requirements doesn't pay. The results will not go the way people think they will?[The Ivy League has] actual students playing sports." Is anybody at Columbia reading this? You should be! After a slew of accusations last year, and their finally beating us this year, we can only wonder. After all, take a look at your U.S. News and World ranking! To follow up on yet another explanation of why we lost, we had to dig deep, and name (for the first time): The 12-Pack of the Week After sifting through about a year's worth of evidence and taking Oliver Stone's conspiracy theories to heart, we at Roundup reached a verdict in only four hours: Dave Letterman was the cause of our loss. For those who missed the story, Penn was without starting nose tackle Chris Osentowski for the Columbia game. Where was he? He was riding out a one-game suspension for studying. Okay, sure he was studying in New York in the Ed Sullivan Theatre during the taping of the Late Show, but we at Roundup speculate that he was probably studying for a Historical Television Sites final. Given front row seats to absorb his surroundings and study the aura of Ed Sullivan, Letterman singled him out and gave him a case of beer. What a $#!T#E@D! We gave CBS a call, and after there was no answer the first time (probably staff cutbacks), we finally reached a receptionist who transferred us to Dana McClintock in media relations. We cut right to the quick and asked McClintock if we could hold CBS responsible for what happened at Columbia. "I can't answer that -- I'll get fired," McClintock explained. Obviously Dana is not a Wharton alum, as anyone (even us College kids) can see that CBS will be defunct in a matter of months anyway. Frustrated with the lack of responsiveness, we asked him to transfer us straight to Late Night headquarters. As Dave regulars probably know, however, the whole staff is on vacation! Coincidence? We think not. Sticking with the New York state of mind, we looked to a (not-quite) quality rag: The New York Daily News for inspiration. Upon looking here, however, all we could find was: The Filip Bondy of the Week Okay, to begin, we at Roundup simply wonder who the hell would spell his name Filip? The only answer we could find was a man who sunk low enough to write a truly asinine story about Penn Quakers football. Citing that "No woman or child was safe whenever a Quaker athletic bus pulled up," Bondy (not to be confused with Bundy) equated the Lions' victory with roommates and girlfriends. Unavailable for comment, Fil left himself open to our Roundup humor committee. However, we couldn't find anything funny about this. That is, with the exception of the name Fil, and the rag he writes for. What an ass.