COLUMN Life After Penn

From Jason Brenner's "My 20 Inches," Fall '95 From Jason Brenner's "My 20 Inches," Fall '95I hear the clock ticking. No, it's not the sound of my Bugs Bunny wrist watch. It's not my biological clock either. It's also not the explosive device some psycho ex-girlfriend planted under my bed -- the bomb squad expertly diffused that one last week. I recognize I go to a school where "undecided" is not an accepted word in the undergraduate vocabulary. From pre-med to pre-law to pre-embezzling, almost every Penn student seems to know what field they want to enter when they graduate. Many of you are reading this article while on your way to drop resumes for Dewey, Cheetam & Howe. In fact, some of you are so "decided" on a career choice that the Wharton School had to put out a memo warning against "unethical conduct" in job applications, threatening "a JIO proceeding or even criminal prosecution" for violators. The letter warns against "false claims of founding or leading a student group?tampering with transcripts or letters of recommendation," and even "sabotaging other students' job searches." The memo states that many of these violations have already occurred. C'mon people, get a life. Do you really think companies will believe that you founded the Undergraduate Assembly (why would you even want to admit that?), have a 4.0 GPA and that none of your peers decided to apply for the same job? If you go to Wharton, you shouldn't be that stupid. Granted I may not have one specific goal right now, but whichever direction I follow will be based on my own merits. I certainly don't plan on "reneging on job offers" (mainly because I don't have any). It's not that I'm unmotivated. I work really hard in school, I'm pretty active on campus, and I've had some very worthwhile summer internships. But for some reason, I can't narrow my future aspirations to one specific occupation. I'm still hoping I'll get a $100,000 a year job to test La-Z-Boy chairs. (I keep dropping my resume for that one, but surprisingly I have yet to receive a response.) I'm also not receiving any pressure from my parents. I think maybe they've just given up hope on me and are counting on my younger sister to buy them a place in Florida when they get old. I think my mother will be content with any career choice I make as long as I find a rich wife -- any takers? Unfortunately, I have some pretty big shoes to fill. You're looking at a guy whose father graduated college in three years while holding down a job. He also paid his own way through medical school. I'm beginning to believe that he actually did walk 20 miles uphill to school in the snow every day. After years and years of hard work, he finally accomplished his life-long dream of being an obstetrician/gynecologist (Insert your own pervert joke here). The poor guy probably thinks he passed down some rare idiot gene to Junior. In order to let everyone know I'm at least trying to figure out what to do with my life, I decided to list some future job possibilities and evaluate them. 1. Chippendale dancer. From what I hear, they make good tips and have desperate women clawing at them all night. That doesn't sound too bad. 2. Pimp. Forget it?I'd have to buy a whole new set of clothes. 3. Intern for the crazy, half-naked woman that dances on College Green. Rumor has it that she is swamped with job applications. Too much skill required anyway. 4. O. J. Simpson defense lawyer. All I'd have to do is blatantly compromise my integrity and the truth in front of millions of people. What the hell, the pay is good. 5. McDonald's cashier. From what I understand, the qualifications involve talking to other employees while twenty people are waiting in line, messing up difficult orders like "cheeseburger and fries" and handing over money to anxious gunmen. Well, there it is?I have five solid possibilities for occupations after college. I'm sure Mom and Dad will be proud when they read this column. But no matter which direction I choose, I know I won't feel the need to do such silly things as "misrepresentation of concentration or dual degree status" or "overstatement of GPA" Heck, I'll earn my position as a Chippendale dancer based on my own merits.