COLUMN: Classroom Etiquette

From Paul Godinez's "Word Up G," Fall '95 From Paul Godinez's "Word Up G," Fall '95Somebody better call the president about this horrific plague infesting the campus. Its cause has not yet been determined though the infected group is composed entirely of 18 to 22 year olds. Most likely the ill were infected in their familiar environments, home, school and social organizations before arrival in this environment, although the possibility remains open that the Penn environment is the perpetrator. There are many particularly bad strains of this plague, most commonly diagnosed as rudeness. Let us begin with food. Granted breakfast is the most important meal of the day and the most popular campus compliment to the DP crossword puzzle is the Skolnik's bagel with lox. However, there is nothing worse than watching and hearing someone munching during lecture. The Physical Plant workers really don't need to know what muffin and coffee combination was snacked on in that 10 a.m. lecture where you left the notorious My Favorite Muffin bag. This is to say nothing of the incredible Snapple bottle collection those guys must have down in the shop after cleaning up the class rooms at the end of the day. I am just waiting for the Snapple lady to answer a letter from these hapless busboys. Without fail some genius will send the errant Snapple or Trade Winds or, better yet, the Evian Spring Water bottle crashing to the floor during lecture. Why someone cannot survive a 50 minute lecture without fluids is an outstanding session for Montel, Phil, Jenny or Oprah. Of course, in order to eat in class you have to make it there first. This, in Penn terms, translates into five to 10 minutes after the professor begins lecture. The longer lectures get those overeager scholars stepping to the plate 30 minutes after the fact. One wonders whether the protests would ever end if professors were given such lenient treatment. Even when they are late those rude individuals never fail to let everyone else know they are slackers by situating themselves as noisily as possible. Bruce Kuklick once used his kids' toys to shoot those individuals late to his history class. Needless to say, the batteries' charge was sufficiently reduced. He was definitely on the right track. Maybe the department should start issuing Tasers. When situated in the class the methods of irritation for professors and fellow students seem infinite. An alarming percentage of students must suffer from sever bladder problems because they feel the urgent need to get up in the middle of a lecture to disappear for 10 minutes. This is a regular occurrence with some, pointing to a possible biological phenomenon. I guess that is why God created urologists. The other enterprising deviants try every means of hiding the crossword puzzle somewhere on the desk, thinking the professor does not see it when you know they do. Still others call out, talk in class or try every means of bringing attention to their finite intelligence and irreverent behavior. The callous treatment of the educational elders is certainly mystifying. After years of self-inflicted poverty, countless hours of research and intense periods of revision of acclaimed publications, professors get to deal with all this rudeness. It is no wonder that professors seem to go on sabbatical every other semester. The hierarchical, professor-student relationship seems but only an antique relic now. Students can come late, unprepared, get up without permission, disrupt class without repercussions and still expect to be treated fairly in the grading process. Perhaps the Catholic school/old school mentality could be the cure to this dangerous plague. Back in my Catholic school days teachers had free reign to crack knuckles on heads, pull ears and use every intimidation technique perfected in the seminary and convent to discipline students. The demerit system was ok, but the real intimidation came with the confrontations where teachers maintained discipline at all costs. Detention was writing the constitution or picking up trash on school grounds, measures that were instructive or constructive for the troublemakers. The old school was and is a good school, though I fear there are not enough lawyers in Philadelphia to handle the lawsuits or enough psychologists in the universe to nurse the bruised egos if some of the Christian Brothers or Sisters of Saint Francis came to teach courses at this seemingly pristine academic institution. Some professors do make the efforts to create the ideal environment for learning. One professor, the very first day, set down certain guidelines for his class: no eating, drinking, talking or hats worn in the class. While it seemed funny and comical it was a positive step towards securing his power over the classroom environment. Perhaps all professors should take note of one Professor Teune. Mold your ideal classroom early and often, so as to eradicate the dangerous plague afflicting America's best and brightest. And if you must, and you must, do not hold back from cracking down on the slackers. After all, they are hurting the students just as much as they are distracting you. And if you get any lip, tell them Sister Gertrude Sullivan told you so.