Quakers fail fashion 101

There's trouble in Quakerland yet again. Yes, the men's basketball team soundly defeated Ohio State on Saturday, but it was an ugly game. Not because of the action on the court, but because of the fashion on the court. For the first time this season, the Quakers unveiled their new uniforms to the Palestra crowd, and the consensus reaction to the bizarre melange of stripes, solids and triangles was decidedly negative. Eric Rychel, a Wharton senior, was disgusted with the new shorts. "They should go back to the old ones immediately -- they should just call a timeout and go change," he said. Penn coach Fran Dunphy (who declined to be interviewed for this piece) didn't take Rychel's advice -- the ultra-baggy, ultra-loud shorts stayed on for the length of the game, despite the fans' overwhelming revulsion. College senior Keith Keller, while a fan of the new uniform tops (which have a distinct NBA-flavor to them), loathes the shorts. "The shorts are butt-spanking ugly. They look like they were stolen from the design of the tail of a jet plane. I'd rather our players play naked than wear those shorts." Nudity was not an option -- President Rodin was in attendance -- so the offending shorts stayed on. They didn't affect the team's play, but they did upset the devoted fans, who were not expecting to see a Palestra version of Fashion Faux Pas. "The warm-up jerseys look like maternity suits," claimed third-year medical school student Noam Harel, while college junior Jonathan Teitel declared, "stripes belong on a Bengal tiger, not our beloved Penn Quakers!" The players themselves can't see what all the fuss is about. "When we're on the court, we're not looking at our shorts," said junior forward Tim Krug. Well, Tim, you're one of the lucky ones. The other 6,000 of us in the Palestra had to stare at the damn things all afternoon long. The biggest (and loudest) proponent of the new uniforms was former Notre Dame coach and current ESPN2 color analyst Digger Phelps. "Oh, I love 'em," he exclaimed during halftime, blowing off Rodin and athletic director Steve Bilsky to expound at length on the Quakers' supposed newfound fashion sense. "I think they're great," he continued. "If I was the coach here, these would be the uniforms without question." Digger did not explain why the Notre Dame uniforms were so bland when he was in charge. He did add that "these new uniforms fit in perfectly with what we try to do at the Deuce [ESPN2]." Well, considering the Deuce's idea of style is sticking two fat guys in silk paisley shirts so they can argue about Nebraska and Penn State, you have to agree with Digger on that one. Surprisingly enough, the decision to replace the Quakers' classic-looking uniforms with these polyester monstrosities was not made by the fashion-conscious players (who, you'll remember, pleaded with Dunphy last year to let them wear black sneakers). Rather, the uniforms were forced on us by APEX, a "hot" new sports merchandising company. APEX is in the midst of a grand scheme to flood the nation with their vomit-inducing designs. So far, they've infected Villanova, Kentucky, and George Washington in addition to Penn. And while it's a big complement to be included in such illustrious company as Rick Pitino's Wildcats, the fact remains all the teams wearing APEX uniforms look like they're working for Amtrak. As long as we keep the current outfits, we'll be the laughingstock of the Ivy League -- Jerome or no Jerome. As Lisa Perrone, a Cornell junior who came to Philly for Saturday's game, put it: "You guys are gonna catch a lot of crap for those [uniforms]." For once, Pete "Yoda" Carril is going to be laughing at us instead of the other way around. Wharton Junior Ben Frost came up with the one possible reason for keeping the hideous things. "They wouldn't be my first choice, but if that's what it takes to get into the top 25?" Yeah, Ben, but remember that when you sell your soul to the devil (or, in this case to APEX, which is close enough), you always get screwed in the deal. Alan Sepinwall is a College junior from Pine Brook, N.J., and Managing Editor-elect of 34th Street.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.