COLUMN: The Dating Game

From Charlotte Druckman's "Putting It Bluntly," Fall '94 It's true, we do like to watch people on dates -- maybe we like to live vicariously, maybe we think its cute, maybe we're just jealous. At Penn, the main reason we find date-watching so intriguing is that the phenomenon of "the date" is rare on our campus. It's not so much a lack of couples -- or even that guys and girls aren't spending time together -- but, it is a paucity of the planned events that we like to call "dates." Yes, many a semi-married couple plan cozy evenings for two, but the idea of making an engagement with someone you're just interested in is not a common one here. Notice, for example, we use verbiage such as "seeing" each other in place of "dating," because the action implied in the latter term is not one often practiced. But, why is "the date" such a foreign concept to Penn students? What attitudes on this campus are not conducive to the dating process? A quick survey of the conversations and opinions of some of my female friends and acquaintances yielded some interesting results. These generalizations certainly do not apply to everyone, and there are people on this campus who do subscribe to dating (any guy who falls into this category, feel free to give me a call!). One young woman got right to the point: "Penn is not a dating school -- it's a scamming school." She was supported by others who agreed that one of the perpetrators of this "scamming" frame of mind is the Greek system. Not only does it promote and foster group activity (vs. individual association), but because much of campus social life is centered around the Greek system, the idea of "hanging out" or socializing in groups infiltrates the student body as a whole. Fraternity parties are organized in such a way as to encourage "hooking-up." Think about it: The music is too loud to have deep conversations, and the alcohol certainly don't evoke a traditional "getting to know you" mode. In fact, weekends become hook-up competitions. And both participants are equally responsible. By her second fraternity party, a freshman girl knows what she can expect, just as well as the guy who gently guides her over to the bar. We can be as charming as they can. It's not to say that everyone who goes to a fraternity party is going to scam or be scammed, but the opportunity is open to whomever wants to seize it. Of course, in a situation like this, the idea of getting to know a person is definitely not the object. In fact, it's counter-productive. For people looking for a no-hassle scam, an official date is the worst possible circumstance because it's pretty difficult to "love 'em and leave 'em" if you're aware of their personality. God forbid any type of legitimate personal bond or sense of guilt factor into the equation. On the other end of the spectrum, for those who are actually dating, the group aspect of social life can play another deterring role. Not only are you dating a guy in a fraternity, but you're dating all of his brothers -- figuratively. And he has to deal with receiving the approval of your friends, since he'll be spending so much time with them. Because people spend so much time in groups, dating means gaining a whole appendage of people, directly and indirectly. And since one-on-one activities are few and far between, an evening alone consists of hanging out with your significant other and his friends. Of course, your friends have to come too, and before you know it, there's a whole dating pack. Someone threw out the idea that dates can often be awkward because of the expectations they entail. People might feel a forced obligation to "hook-up" because of the anticipation caused by the "big event." Perhaps, if dates were not so unusual, they would not be accompanied by so much hype, and the pressure to like someone would be decreased. After all, dating is basically a means to determine whether or not you like someone and subsequently, to decide if you would like to see more of that person in the future. A date can end in fiasco, friendship or romance. Others disagree that a specified and planned date can create tension. They feel that if it were stated earlier that what was being called "hanging-out" on a Saturday night was a date or a non-date, a lot of confusion would be cleared up. Because the line between friend and lover is a fine one, friendships are often ruined when two consenting comrades are on shaky ground and unsure of the extent of their feelings. On the other hand, plenty of friendships turn into wonderful romances. If "friends" were to make their feelings clear in the form of an official date or a definite "un-date" fewer people would be hurt. Some students are quite content with the present situation and fear that if Penn was a dating school, there would be too much pressure to always have a date, and those who did not have one would be compelled to feel like shit. Personally, I know one thing: if more of you guys were into going out on dates, we would have another reason to make that extra effort to look good more than once a week. Charlotte Druckman is a sophomore English major from New York City. Putting It Bluntly appears alternate Tuesdays.