A FRONT ROW VIEW: Princeton is best in Ivies

Hi, my name is Keith, and I have something to say to all you Quacker fans out there. First of all, if anyone is as dumb as that Dan Feldman guy who mouthed off at me during that basketball game, and wants a piece of me, let's go. I ain't afraid of none of yous. I'll take on you and your friends. All of 'em. I'm really sick and tired of your stupid writers who have nothing else to do but keep making fun of me just 'cause they're so jealous of all my success. They know I'm destined for greatness and they have this whole complex 'cause they know I'm the best that's ever played the game and who are they. It's pathetic that you use the newspaper and not the playing field to try to bring me down. You think I'm vulnerable because I ain't no prize winning author. This will show you I can play that game too. Second, you prabably think that you're school is all great now that they like your basketball team beat the Nebraska Cornhuskas and stuff. Yeah, sure they won the Big Ate, but anyone can get lucky once. Plus, if I were on the basketball team, we destroy Penn. I'd be jamming all over the place. Coach Carril said I could be pretty good. Enough of basketball, thow. I want to talk about a real man's game. Football. You think that I really suck now just 'cause Penn beat us once and my coach is an idiot and my quarterback can't hold on to the ball. You just don't understand. You'll see. I'll get the last laugh when I'm in the NFL next year and you're sitting home on your asses watching me on TV. Speaking of me, do you know how many scouts came to see me play? No, neither do I. I lost track. I think it was a whole bunch though. They said I'm doing real good, but my field vision has to get a little better. See that. As soon as I get new contacts, I'll be all set. The other thing nobody understands is that I got all my yards behind a bunch of pathetic lineman. If I had any real blockers, I'd be totally unstoppable -- kind a like the next John Riggins. Yeah, I wanna like run behind the hogs or somehting. I bet they grunt a lot. That's what football should be. John Madden will think my mohawk is really cool. He'd be able to do diagrams of it on the clicker. Except I don't know if they'll still have that thing over at that FOX place. What does FOX stand for anyways? On Thanksgiving, I'm going to win one of those turkey legs too, and you all will just be watching me slobber all over myself on national television. And, unlike most of your athletes, I'm going to graduate. The standards that Penn has for grades and stuff and to get in to that school is embarrassing. Most of the guys on your team can't even write good. It's a total sham. A disgrace the the rest of the Ivies. Without my great Princeton education, I wouldn't be able to write so good and share all these thoughts with you're school today. I'd especially like to thank my freshman English prof who finally got me to remember that I before E rule. That really helped me out with me writing. See, you even after my career or if I get hurt or something unlucky like that, I know I'll still get a job. Being a history major was real good because of that famous saying -- you know about learning history so you ain't condemned or nothing. The other reason that Princeton is a much better place to be a college is because we ain't a state school. Keith Elias is a Princeton senior from Lacey Township, N.J., and winner of the Gillooly Asshole Fan of the Year Award.