IVY ROUNDUP

Ahhh, Wednesday's at the University of Pennsylvania. Sink or Swim at Smoke's. A new episode of 90210. And yes, another exhilarating installment of the most read, beloved, anticipated, (any other adjective you can insert) column in any sports daily in the country. And what may that be? Ivy Roundup of course! Yes, yet again our crack staff has searched the locker rooms, shower stalls and jock straps of all the players and personalities that encompass what we lovingly refer to as the Ancient Eight. And, as always, we have come up with more dirt on the rest of the Ivy League than Burt has on Loni?than Gennifer Flowers has on Bill Clinton?than Jeff Gilooly has on Tonya Harding?than, well you get the picture. So, instead of just talking about how great we are, we'll let you judge for yourselves, and jump right in with: · Fisticuffs of the week Ivy League basketball. Known for gentlemanly play. Sportsmanship at its finest. True scholar athletes. And most of all, known for?basket-brawls? Well, that's just what happened last Saturday night, as the Crimson and the Bears decided to throw off the gloves and go at it at the Briggs Center in Cambridge, Mass. It seems as if things got nasty under the boards when Brown sophomore guard Brian Lloyd was able to sneak inside to get an offensive board. Lloyd took the ball back up strong to the basket, trying to give the Bears the lead. However, Harvard sophomore forward Michael Gilmore did his best Anthony Mason, errrr John Starks, errrr Charles Oakley, (whatever, fill in any New York Knick player) impersonation, as he grabbed Lloyd with two hands and chucked him to the ground. Obviously not happy with the recent turn of events, Lloyd immediately sprang to his feet and delivered a wicked forearm smash to Gilmore's head, and the festivities began. Both benches emptied, and it took almost 15 minutes for order to be restored. And this is supposed to be the mild-mannered world of Ivy League basketball? "It's part of the game, I guess," a livid Lloyd responded from his lovely home in downtown Providence, R.I. "But all of [Harvard's] players were throwing elbows and being overly physical. So, I just decided that I had had enough and threw an elbow back." Seems like all the time Lloyd has been spending in Providence has really started to get him down. But what about Gilmore, whose "Superfly Snuka" imitation inspired his teammates to come back and beat the Bears, 66-51. "Sometimes things like that happen in Ivy League games," a jubilant Gilmore said. "Things really get intense out there. I'm just glad that we came away with the victory." That's the ol' Harvard spirit: Win at all costs, even if it means being a thug and putting an opposing player on his ass. And to think Keith Elias accused Penn fans of having no class. · Foul out of the week After that loss to Harvard, the Bears fell to 2-4 in the Ancient Eight, 8-10 overall. And while this loss symbolizes the tough times the Bears have endured this season, no Bear loss was more savored than their 89-71 defeat at the hands of the nationally-ranked Duke Blue Devils. Besides being able to hang tight with the Blue Devils for most of the night, the highlight of the Bears pathetic season occurred at the 2:44 mark of the second half. With the game well in hand for Duke, Brown sophomore forward James Joseph (no relation to the Philadelphia Eagles' talented running back and special teams guru) fouled out. As is customary at Cameron Indoor Stadium, the Duke fans serenade the opposing team's player when he fouls out by yelling "ooooohhhh!!!!" until he sits down on the bench, and then screaming "See ya" when he finally sits his fanny on the bench. But Joseph, the Ivy League student he is, decided to throw a wrench into the "Ivy League of the South's" fans. Joseph refused to sit when he reached the bench, standing for the remainder of the contest. The Duke fans refused to give up, still moaning "ooooohhhh" for the rest of the game. With fouls and timeouts, the game lasted another 13 minutes, leaving the Blue Devil fans hoarse and Joseph with sore feet. As the buzzer sounded, the fans finally yelled a weak "See ya." Despite the 18-point loss, Joseph and the Bears left with a moral victory, talking some smack in the face of a national powerhouse. "He definitely faced us," said one member of the Duke crowd. "But we still kicked their butts." Hey, a moral victory is better than no victory at all. Especially if you play for Brown. · Schmuck of the week Speaking of kicking people's ass, that's just what our beloved Quakers did this past weekend, defeating lowly Cornell and previously-unbeaten Columbia to remain undefeated in the Ancient Eight. And after the Quaker win over the Lions, SUNY-Harlem then traveled up north to Princeton, and then promptly got spanked, losing by 32 points. So naturally, we here at Roundup were interested to think of what those brilliant basketball minds over at the Columbia Spectator thought about their team now. "We were definitely dealt a dose of reality this weekend," one incredibly sharp member of the Spectator staff stated. "Penn showed why they are the best team in the league, and Princeton beat the crap out of us." This staffer, who was obviously putting his Columbia education to good use as he demonstrated through his beautiful use of the English language, also showed why his school is known as SUNY-Harlem by virtue of his other comments. "Although we lost, we still have a chance to win this thing," he said. "Anything can happen in this league. We have young players who are enormously talented, and could shock a few people down the stretch." The only person who should be shocked is this guy. Besides being the biggest dork we here at Roundup have ever encountered, he also suffers some tremendous delusions of grandeur. Like our friend Beavis so often says, "The Taser, give him the taser!" · Hielscher sucks story of the week It seems this week's fisticuffs aren't the only juicy controversies surfacing up in the previously hallowed walls of the Ancient Eight. Last week we reported that Yale leading scorer Andy Karazim was knocked out for the season after he knocked out fellow Eli guard David Franklin during practice two weeks ago with a fist to the face. Seems that our friends up the road at Princeton are having their own share of internal problems. If you can recall, against the Quakers, Tiger starting center Rick Hielscher sat out the entire second half in favor of sophomore center Jesse Rosenfeld. It seems that Tiger coach Pete "Yoda" Carril had a shouting match with Hielscher at halftime, and then proceeded to teach the former Ivy Rookie of the Year a lesson by having him sit the pine for the rest of the the game. "It's been a love-hate relationship between the two of them for some time now," our inside source at Princeton told Roundup. "Carril likes his players to always give their all, and he didn't think Rick was playing very well. I guess he tried to teach him a lesson." Perhaps Hielscher was inspired by Yoda's antics, as he scored 20 points, grabbed 10 rebounds and swatted three shots away in the Tigers' blowout of Columbia. And besides that, Hielscher became the all-time leader in blocked shots at Princeton. "It was a good thing that happened," our source said. "Because besides that, they were two really freakin' boring games." Freakin' boring? Are we here at Roundup the only bastions of true journalism left in the Ivy League? Well, the answer is a resounding?no! And since we aren't, we might as well end this week's installment with these two precious words: Princeton sucks! (Well, you didn't think we'd go a whole article without saying that, did you?)