JOKE ISSUE: UA, SPEC, SCUE to help SAC

PETER MORRISON The Undergradute Assembly, the Student Planning and Events Committee and the Student Committee on Undergraduate Education announced yesterday that several University organizations will be combined in order to reduce required funding from the Student Activities Council. During a closed meeting, the UA and SPEC presented annual SAC funding figures, which rose 72 percent from 1991. In order to help reduce the University's multi-million dollar budget deficit, SCUE outlined its proposal to combine several organizations. The UA and SPEC approved the proposal unanimously. Under the proposal, the GAC would take control of the IFC, OFSA and the FSAB in order to centralize administrative power in the Greek system. "We feel that there should be one massive monopolistic power to govern all the fraternities and sororities," said former UA Chairperson Jeff Lichtman. "Especially with the BYOB and LCE things, we feel that the Greek system needs more supervision." The resolution also called for the corporate merging of STAAR, DART, RAP, GUIDE and FLASH to form PENCIL, the Coalition for Preventing All Types of Rape, because "they're all the same anyway," according to newly-elected UA Chairperson Kirsten Bartok. In addition, PAC will be forced to dissolve its five subcommittees which were formed in September of 1992. ACK!, DAC, IAC, TAC-E and Club MAC will combine again to become just PAC. Sources say that PILCOP will file a suit protesting this portion of the proposal. Members of SCUE praised the Residential Living staff for deciding to combine HRN, HRS and HRE into just "the High Rises," saying that more University-affiliated departments should follow suit. "This is a perfect example of what the University needs to do to reduce confusion among the students living on campus," said SCUE Chairperson Jonathon Pitt. "Students, especially incoming freshmen, can't tell which dorm is which." In order to further reduce the deficit, the proposal dictates that several organizations will also be required to raise more money for the University. · PSA will have to double its newspaper subscription charges, but there is no stipulation that they have to improve their delivery service. · WATU will now charge students $20 per hour for assistance on paper writing for all WATU classes. · The NEH will be required to pay the University no less than $103,729.03 if it decides to request the services of President Sheldon Hackney. · GAPSA and GSAC will donate no less than 23.8 percent of each graduate student's tuition money toward reducing the deficit. "With these organizations pitching in, the budget deficit should be completely eliminated by next month," Bartok said. "If the plan does not succeed, the UA will take no responsibility for its failure, since it never does." The proposal follows two similar moves in the sports and television worlds which have so far caused profits for both to soar at exponential levels. In December of 1992, CBS announced that it would combine with NBC, ABC, ESPN, CNN, HBO and The Weather Channel to form RIPOFF, or Reconstructing Intellectual Programming for Overweight Fraternity Freshmen. Also, in a surprise move suggested by the DP's very own DPOSTM staff, the NCAA, NBA, NFL, NHL, WWF and the International Bowler's Alliance recently combined forces to form STEROID, or Sports Teams Everyone Really Omits In Deciding [their Final Four picks]. UA, SPEC, SCUE and SAC members all hope that similar results will occur with the University's attempt at coalition. Bartok added that the proposal will go to the LGBA, CSA, DDT, DWI, IRS and PACMAN for approval, before sending it to DRL for photocopying and finally to the U. for implementation. Staff Writer Jordana Horn didn't do squat for this article.