EDITORIAL: "Easy Pickings"

Johnny -- career criminal, work-a-day thief, entrepreneur -- was the lowest of the low, except when it came to high technology. Recently, he bought himself one of those C.B. scanners that lets any voyeur listen in on walkie-talkie conversations. It just so happened that the new Escort Service at the University of Pennsylvania depended on these walkie-talkie devices to connect its walking Escort workers with University Police. It also gave Johnny a new angle on crime. With a large group of accomplices, he developed an intricate new scheme to turn local crime on its ear. On this particular night, all his cronies were in place. Outside, it had just turned dark. Time for the revelries to commence. Johnny flipped on the scanner, turned the dial, and listened in on his first walkie-talkie conversation of the evening. "This is Rhonda and Pete, Walking Escort Team #7. We're picking someone up at High Rise South to walk them to Hamilton Court." Bingo! Johnny picked up his walkie-talkie and radioed the information to his henchman near Hamilton Court. At the same time, just north of Superblock, an unsuspecting student marched onward into the off-campus area, between her escorts Rhonda and Pete. "Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!" the group repeated in unison. It was an Escort Service inside joke. Otherwise, the conversation was strained. "I heard you escorts think this is a good way to meet people, huh?" she asked. "You know, this new Escort thing is all right, but I'd feel much more comfortable if they hired Quaker linebackers or something." It was pretty dead in this area of the city. Maybe a walking Escort service was supposed to put more people on the street and deter crime . . . but since this block was almost strictly residential, it was probably not going to be enough. Just then, Johnny's henchman sprang out from a dark crevice between two buildings on the block in front of them. The three knew they were about to be mugged. "Oh no, now what do we do?" Pete tentatively asked. But Johnny's henchman, gun in hand, was on top of them now. "Quick, use the walkie-talkie!" Rhonda yelled. "Help! Help! We're being mugged! Help! Help!" Pete yelled into the walkie-talkie. "What good will that do?!?" Rhonda screamed. "Hit him with it! Hit him with it!" But the henchman grabbed the walkie-talkie before he could act. Over the scanner, Johnny then heard what the dispatcher at University Police heard. "Na, na, na na, na." Then the walkie-talkie went dead. Easy pickings. Four hours, two dozen red shirts, $857 and three fashion timepieces later, Johnny couldn't contain his enthusiasm. He dialed up one of his old friends who had moved elsewhere after Penn students started riding Escort vans in record numbers. Johnny explained the system to his friend, and then drifted into some of the nuances that made his job so much easier. "I mean, how many self-respecting males will opt to have some bigger, tougher guy walk them home? Or some woman in a bright red T-shirt? "I was kind of suprised those college boys set aside their pride and rode the vans, but have some one walk them home? I can't imagine it." "So now male students walk alone through West Philadelphia at night. I mean, it's like taking candy from a baby," he said. "But don't you feel ashamed?" his old friend said. "I mean, picking on poor, defenseless college students like that. What you're doing is so . . . so cruel." "Hey, watch it!" Johnny countered, suddenly sounding defensive -- and perhaps a bit hurt. "What I do is nothing compared to what that university does to those poor suckers. "Did you know this new Escort Service actually costs those students more than the old system did!" he continued. "They probably could have used that extra money to buy more vans and more drivers. "And, from what I've seen, students have to wait about as long for escorts," he said. "Now you tell me who's stealing from whom." Johnny slammed the phone down, wadded the night's proceeds into his pocket and headed for home. Along the way, he ran into two representatives of the city's other favorite escort service. "Need a lift, big boy?" said one of the two women standing under the flickering lamppost, garbed in fishnet stockings and seductive push-up bras. "We'll take you for a ride!"