COLUMN: "Look Here, Gentle Reader"

From PARIS's "Your Way, Right Away," in the Spring '92 joke issue! Section 0. If you had followed the instructions, then there is no possible way you could have reached Section 0. Either you have deliberately disobeyed me, have the intelligence of a lesser-developed slug or are a pathetic social reject with a rotary newspaper who has stayed on the line because listening to my bewitching voice is cheaper than calling 900 numbers. Regardless, you aren't worth my time. Goodbye. END OF COLUMN. Leave. Go away. Section 1. Main Menu. You may interrupt a function at anytime by torching this newspaper. For advance registration functions, proceed to Section 8. For an explanation of this system, proceed to Section 17. To skip it, proceed to Section 3. Section 2. If you feel that this column was appropriately inoffensive, proceed to Section 19. If you wish this column had offended you more, go to Section 6. Section 3. If you enjoy offensive columns, proceed to Section 6. If you prefer inoffensive columns, proceed to Section 7. Section 4. Did I say section 4? Wait a minute, let me check this one again. Hmm . . . Oh, okay -- now I've got it. Proceed to Section 20. I'm serious, really. Section 5. Guess what? You're reading one! Go to Section 9. Section 6. Culinary tip: Ear wax goes best with white wine, magic nose goblins require red wine, or a pink Zinfandel on those runny, yellowish days. Lick me, taste me, suck me dry. Thank you for using PARIS. Goodbye! END OF COLUMN. Section 7. If you prefer humor columns, proceed to Section 5. If you prefer columns that tackle pressing social issues, go to Section 9. Section 8. O.K., let me see here . . . Hmm. Seems you've been blocked from registering. Imagine that. Registrar Ron Sanders sends the following personal regards: "Na na, nana na!" For further information, refer to the article on page one. My work is done. Thank you for using PARIS. Goodbye! END OF COLUMN. Section 9. For an opinion on crime or the criminal justice system, proceed to Section 10. For an opinion on health care or the nation's physical health, jump to Section 10. For an opinion on the abortion controversy, leap to Section 14. For an opinion on the environment, press on to Section 15. For an opinion on reverse discrimination from the majority perspective, rush to Section 11. For an opinion on the economy, hurry to Section 10. For an opinion on the plight of those facing discrimination on the basis of race, color, sex, sexual practices, religion, national or ethnic origin, handicap, disability or Vietnam veteran-era status, sashay on over to Section 11. If you hate how there never seem to be any new opinion topics, mosey on over to Section 10. Otherwise, groove on down to Section 18. Section 10. Yes, it is basically horrible, and everyone agrees on that one. The powers-that-be have their work cut out for them if they hope to fix this social ill. Proceed to Section 12. Section 11. The hardships faced by this group of citizens are varied and disturbing, and appear to be growing by the day. Numerous statistics from nationwide reports, polls and surveys indicate that these problem are real and systemic, and that a significant segment of the population feels they are growing. Section 12. If you agree with me and feel no vague or gnawing dissatisfaction, proceed immediately to Section 16. If you instead feel my treatment of the issue so far only trivializes this controversial subject, proceed to Section 13. Section 13. So do I. This example served to demonstrate the vapid, rhetoric-laden form of discourse into which these dialogues so often dissolve. It obviously takes a great deal of both skill and space to do justice to this topic, as real and pressing as it may be. Proceed to Section 16. Section 14. Not everyone agrees with the reasoning behind those new DeMoss television commercials with the slogan "Life -- What a Beautiful Choice." But, boy, aren't they beautifully made? Proceed to Section 12. Section 15. To print a newspaper, you gotta chop down a few trees. Some use of the environment's gifts is undoubtedly necessary. However, the DP uses recycled paper, to minimize the destruction of natural resources. Recycle this DP -- you'll be glad you did. Proceed to Section 12. Section 16. To tackle another pressing social issue, procede to Section 9. To end your call, proceed to Section 2. Section 17. PARIS has been designed to produce columns tailored to the user's personal interests and sensibilities, thus saving trees and spotted owls by eliminating "Letters to the Editor," and protecting readers from reckless exposure to alternate points of view. To continue, proceed to Section 3. If you instead prefer columns that don't cater to your personal whims, proceed to Section 21. Section 18. Oops, I'm sorry. I meant to say section 4. Section 19. That's nice. You know, you're a swell person. So intelligent, so attractive, so ambitious and energetic. I hope you have a wonderful day. Thank you for using PARIS. Goodbye! END OF COLUMN. Section 20. Oops, time's up! Now how'd that happen? Oh, well. Thank you for using PARIS. Goodbye! END OF COLUMN. Section 21. Too bad. Against your will, proceed to Section 3. PARIS may be an improvement over endless Add/Drop lines starting at the history department office, leading down the stairs and then out the front of College Hall, but it's no bowl of cherries either.