COLUMN: "Mitch Winston, Fly Girl"

From Andrew Sernovitz's "Mall Rats With Big Hair," Spring '92. I actually sat through an entire meeting, hoping to find something charming to say about them. But they just sat around scratching each other's balls and babbling about old, irrelevant topics. The first order of business was the University Council Safety and Security Committee's proposal to ban bicycles from Locust Walk. As the UA started to talk about it, I realized I had a confession to make. I'm sorry. It's all my fault. They are probably still pissed because I drove right into Dr. Von Vorys last semester. It was no big deal -- he was well padded. They are also going to remove all of the bike racks on campus and put a five mile per hour speed limit on bikes on other campus property. I can see it now. University cops are going to be hiding behind the trees on Smith Walk with radar guns. If you're going too fast, they'll send a squad car after you. "License and registration, please." "Sorry officer, I don't have a license. I lost it for Biking Under The Influence." "Well, son, I'm going to have to ground you. You can't watch TV or ride your bike for 3 days." The Safety and Security Committee should get their head out of their ass. We're going to ride our bikes around campus whether they like it or not. If they take away the bike racks on campus, we're just going to have to start locking our bikes to our TA's. Students travel by bike. It's not a safety hazard. It's a necessity. When they stop putting my classes in DRL, maybe I'll consider walking to class. We live here. We have no parking. Bikes are the only realistic way to get around. The faculty live in the suburbs. They get to drive to Penn and park in nice little parking garages right on campus. If they take away our bike racks, we should blow up the parking lots. Then they can walk to class, too. From Ardmore. I can't believe the Safety and Security Committee has nothing better to worry about. While they were busy arguing about Schwinn etiquette, someone was getting shot at a movie in a Penn-owned building. But the administration has really perfected the art of wasting time. I lost my PennCard a while ago, and someone used it to get into a football game. Apparently this is a major offense that warrants serious attention. Elton, the Dean of Athletics, called to talk to me about the evils of letting someone else use my PennCard. What the hell? I have trouble believing that the intercollegiate athletics department doesn't have more important things to worry about. Like winning games. Elton never actually got to speak to me in person, so he referred me to the JIO. Wow. Apparently the JIO has enough free time to follow up on PennCard offenders. What possible punishment could be in store for me? Will I have to wear "The Scarlet P" on campus? Will I be forced to go back on dining service? Luckily, the JIO's office will have more serious issues to contend with in the near future. Like prosecuting bicycle offenders. Back to the UA meeting . . . This week's new business was to pass a motion on the Oriental Studies Department. Actually, they wanted to re-pass the same motion that they passed last year. Unfortunately, they ended up tabling it for further discussion. Next week they hope to pass a motion to form a committee to discuss the option of talking about something. Good luck. The following is not a joke: UTV (Useless TeenyVision) is starting a daily music video show. They need VJ's. So some Einstein over there decided to ask Undergraduate Assembly reps to host the show. No kidding. The UA is going to do it. They have decided that the show is a good way to "express our views to the community and show everyone that UA reps are normal people." Someone's smoking crack. I can see it now, Mitch Winston on the air with his new show, "Totally Mitchy": "Wow guys, that was a totally buff vid. Did you catch the nugs on that babe? Next up we've got Nirvana with 'Smells Like Teen Spirit.' Speaking of spirit, don't forget to go to the next University Council meeting to support your UA Reps. Go Team!" Luckily, the UA is taking measures to pick up school spirit at Penn. Rep Ethan Youderian took serious steps yesterday. He printed 100 flyers to ask us to go to the basketball game today. Balls-out move, dude. With that kind of effort, we're gonna have to expand the Palestra. If you have any further questions on what the UA is up to, just check out the next issue of "Penn News and Views." This is the publication that the UA uses to tell us what they're up to. It would be a lot easier if they just gave us each a roll of toilet paper. Yeah, I said it. They ain't doing crap. The UA spends $1500 a semester of our money to print this rag. I'm sure it will have a detailed report on the re-passing of the Oriental Studies motion. I can't believe they can't find a better use for the money. Maybe they could buy Von Vorys a bike. Andy Sernovitz is a senior Marketing and Political Science major from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mall Rats with Big Hair appears alternate Wednesdays.

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