COLUMN: "Hats Off To America"

From George Allen, Jr.'s "Hey You Kids, Get Off My Lawn," Spring '92.From George Allen, Jr.'s "Hey You Kids, Get Off My Lawn," Spring '92.· No wimpy beret-wearing European country could have a skater with a name like that. Besides, she wasn't wearing a hat. All those puny nations are based on some idea of the "community," or hats or whatever, not the individual. A hat conspiracy, if you will. Where else in the world but America, can a Yamaguchi, Chavez, Murphy, Sujata, Friedman, Running Bear or whatever arrive on the scene, be it foreign or domestic, and make big money, drive big cars, and date interpretive dance instructors? Well, people used to be able to do that. Now, supposedly, immigration and upward mobility creates entrepreneurs that the American "community" doesn't want. Personally, I think this is all part of the hat conspiracy. Back before liberalism began - I mean, repressive, capitalist liberalism - people lived their boring lives eating dirt and giving homage to some guy who wore a silly hat (called a crown at the time) in the name of the "community" (called a kingdom). Certain groups of individuals who didn't pray to this hathead were hated for their independence and entreprenuerial skills. We'll call these people Jews, but they could be almost anybody. Like almost all immigrants, they worked hard and improved the economy. The hat-heads in charge screwed up the economy, which caused revolts by people who wanted big money, big hats or were real bored. New, sillier governments popped up with slogans like: "HATS, GOTTA HAVE 'EM" and gave hats to all the people instead of just a privileged few. Well, since everyone in these piss-ant countries would rather protest for hats than work, the economy again collapsed. Of course, a few people still worked hard and made money. These hated people were called Jews . . . If you think this description of world history is a little vague and hat-o-centric, just fill in Jews with the hard-working group of your choice. Irish, Vietnamese, Puerto Ricans, Chinese, Cubans, Indians, African-Americans, Japanese, ad infinitum have faced discrimination from the "community." Unfortunately, this discrimination didn't take place in some socialist hat-filled nation, but in the United States. The United States was not founded on some idea of social justice, "community," or hats for all, but was founded on a liberal constitution. Enshrined, but not specifically deliniated, in this document are the rights to make a lot of money and tell everyone except for the Constitution to go to hell. These ideals have been lost. The Constitution was ignored by Jackson, who shipped the Cherokees to Oklahoma so future generations of annoying tourists could watch them dance around in hats. The Constitution allowed Democrats in white hats to own slaves until a Republican in a black hat set them free. It also allowed a red-neck sheriff with a Smokey the Bear hat to give me a ticket for $400.00 for being a smart-ass. The hat conspiracy has obviously undermined the Constitution. This hat conspiracy is caused by Euro-liberals - as opposed to money-grubbing liberals - who would gladly say "Heil Hitler" while you're not looking and who want to bring European hat traditions to the U.S. These "liberals" love feudalism. Why else was the Kennedy administration called Camelot? Why else do they want poor people to stay poor? Just because everyone had hats in Europe, feudalism didn't disappear. Hell, it grew. Feudalism-American-Style is caused by the "community" zoning boards, ethnic "community" activists and other regulatory Euro-liberals that are part of this hat conspiracy. Community planning boards are run by anti-development eco-freaks and racists who have decided that Americans should go back to eating bugs and that certain types of people should live in their "communities." This all comes from the Euro-liberal hate of entrepreneurs and the You're-Special-Here's-A-Hat-Stay-Away-From-My-White-Daughter-Complex. Ethnic activists exist because they whine about "minorities" - the most racist term I have ever heard - and their rights to hats. Who do these "community" activists help? Do they help the Mexican-American businessman who can't start a business because of a zoning board? Do these "community" leaders want African-Americans to leave the cities, move to the suburbs and have annoyingly self-concious kids? The ethnic activists want to preserve a "community" of dependency so they can be big-hatted feudalists. Has anyone listened to the catch phrases of "America First" that refer to the American "community" and other such garbage? They want to keep everyone but English and Irish people out of the U.S. Evidently, they have never been to an English soccer match. These are Euro-Liberal ideas borrowed by people that want to be kings, squires, and Duke(s). Like other "community" activists, their logic is: If we let entrepreneurial folks in the U.S. or let our own people be entrepreneurial, our "community" will collapse. Then the "disadvantaged" would realize that the "community" leaders should probably be ignored. The ideas that allow poor people or immigrants to succeed in America are not laws on hats or "social welfare" or the "community." Those are laws that feudalists in training want to impose on us for our own good. The idea of the Constitution was to let individuals do what they want to do. As long as they don't do it with guns. It allowed people like Kristi Yamaguchi to become what she is today: A successful hatless American. · George Allen Jr. is a senior Intellectual History major from Alderwood Manor, Washington. Hey You Kids, Get Off My Lawn appears alternate Wednesdays.