DP inaugurates 108th board

and MICHAEL LEVY Consider it done. Saturday night's Daily Pennsylvanian banquet, which inaugurated the DP's 108th Board of managers and editors, was replete with intellectual conversations, dead Egyptians and weird suit jackets. After the cocktail party, guests sat down in the University Museum to a sumptuous feast of chicken, ludicrously wild rice, and the profound words of President Sheldon Hackney. Hackney spoke of his deep desire to become a columnist for the DP. "I am as P.C. as Elizabeth Hunt, I'm smarter than Peter Spiegel, I'm more direct than that mealy-mouthed Andrew Sernovitz. . . and boy, can I write good," Hackney said. His speech was rampant with attacks on Sernovitz. "Could he really be a Penn student?. . . I think Mall Rats with Big Hair has something to do with wish fulfillment," Hackney joked. Hackney proceeded to mock controversial campus issues, ranging from ROTC to Smith Hall, sprinkling his speech with puns which were borderline atrocious. The keynote speaker and DP alumnus Mark Hyman of the Baltimore Sun, spoke about being a journalist today. "Even if you don't go on to become a journalist, at least you'll know that you worked for the best college newspaper in America," Hyman concluded. Awards were then presented to members of the DP staff. In business, David Krieger and Andrew Wanliss-Orlebar won the Best Customer Service Representatives Award, and the Sales Representative of the Year Award went to Kimberly Goodnow. Tara Friend was named Business Staff Member of the Year, while Richard Cohen was named Manager of the Year. In sports, Gabe Tsui won the Most Improved Writer Award, while Matt Schwartz was named the Most Valuable Sportswriter of the year. Matt Kelly received the Sportswriter of the Year award. Leanne Chukoskie received the Most Improved Photographer Award. Incoming 34th Street Managing Editor Dan Sacher received the award for the best article of 34th Street, while Aimee Miller was given the "New Kid on the Block Award." The award for Best Editorial Column was presented to Elizabeth Hunt. Incoming Associate Editor Gayle Meyers received special recognition for her coverage from Israel during the Gulf War. Scott Calvert received the Most Improved Reporter Award, and incoming Editorial Page Editor Michael Sirolly was presented with the Most Improved Writer Award. Stephen Glass received the award for Best Coverage of the year, and outgoing City Editor Adam Levine received the Editor of the Year Award. A special citation was also presented to Nighttime Production Manager Oreta Richardson and Advertising Typesetter Helen Sessoms. Michael "I was born a Rambling Man" Johnson awarded the DP Alumni Association's photo award to Jeff Hurok, with special citation going to Paul Hu. Elizabeth Hunt received the Alumni Association's annual writing award. Besides the usual banquet formalities, the occasion also provided a forum for the slander and banter of notorious DP schmoozers. "[Outgoing Managing Editor] Peter Spiegel was trying to impress Barbie with all the harmonious big words he knows," DP beat reporter Kenneth Baer said. "Meanwhile, you know [Provost Michael] Aiken's thinking he needs a haircut." If Spiegel receives the award for the most transparent "intellectualism is erotic" attitude, conventional wisdom would have it that other awards were pitifully left unpresented. The "Dis of the Evening" was artfully executed by Mayor Ed Rendell as he successfully evaded hordes of obnoxious DP reporters during his brief stop at the banquet. The "Fashion Faux-Pas" Award went, surprisingly enough, to outgoing 34th Street editors Andrew Libby and David Boyer. You'd think they'd practice what they preach. "I see no need not to be proud of $1.45 attire," said Boyer, responding to a comment on his dashing tartan green plaid investment. Libby's forest green polyester leisure suit left no room for comment. The Albert Einstein Award of Relativity went, without question, to incoming Executive Editor Matt Klein and his father, Chuck. We didn't think there was more than one pair of those glasses. The Most Eagerly Outgoing Editor of the Evening Award went to Helen Jung, who committed her "last act of DP-ness." The Law of Gravity Award went to Matt Selman, who experienced an unusual lack of equilibrium during the evening, and no drought of liquid substances. Either did India, for that matter.