COLUMN: "Why Flatulation is Funny"

From Brandon Fogel and Jason Seiden's "Skippy Gone Batty," Spring '92 Bat: This is a pointless and inane discussion of absurdity. Skippy: Absurd? Who cares. People love the bizarre, quixotic things about life. They make us laugh. Like Quad M-keys. They are pointless and impractical, yet 1200 freshmen carry them around every day. We laugh -- perhaps an annoyed-this-sucks laugh -- at the stupidity and uselessness of having M-keys. Bat: M-keys aren't the only Penn-nomaly. Most people don't realize that anyone with your social security number and your birthdate can easily ruin your entire life here. And that's only one of a multitude of PARIS quirks. There's also that oh-so-pleasant, big-brother voice telling us to "please wait," or "that section is closed." And there should be a built-in tension release function, like: "Press five to swear into the phone before continuing," or "You can interrupt a function at any time by pressing the pound sign and telling me to fuck off." Skippy: Good point. Plus, the name sucks. Something so integral to and American institution should have a more American-sounding name then PARIS, like DAVYCROCKETT, or SNAFU. Bat: And then there's economics here on campus. Let's talk supply and demand. We demand a Taco Bell on campus. We're supplied with Skolnik's and four dollar bagels. I'm dishing out enough in tuition each day to end world hunger and make Sally Struthers light up like a Christmas tree, and my only other options are heartburn from hell at Stouffer or death by firing squad at Murder King. Absurd, isn't it? Skippy: Not only am I paying for a double-Porsche of an education, but each week I insert unholy amounts of quarters into washing machines that don't wash, and dryers that seem to have a lot of fun with my clothes, without actually drying them. Bat: It's the insects. Skippy: Pardon? Bat: The ants. They cause all the problems around here. Skippy: The cockroaches, too. Did I tell you, the growing mutants in my room redecorated it last week. They said the furniture was blocking their way to the Lower Quad hunting grounds. Bat: Has the exterminator come yet? Skippy: Well, I requested one in October, so he should be here by the next full moon. Bat: Ignored service calls are just one of the indicators that Residential Living is screwed up. It doesn't take a genius to figure out that a laundry room with six washing machines and 14 dryers isn't the most efficient combination. Skippy: It's kind of like that old hot dog/bun dilemma. I agree, a grey matter check is definitely in order over at Residential Living. Sort of off the subject -- then again, what is the subject -- have you ever wondered why Billy Bob's, if open 24 hours a day, has a lock on its door? Bat: And why do models in jean ads never wear jeans? Skippy: I don't know, but did anyone notice that this year during Sorority Rush, we secretly replaced all the fresh-brewed sisters with Folgers Crystal sisters? According to our secret poll, apparently not! Rushes thought the sisters were richer and more full-bodied that ever! Bat: Which brings me to the David Rittenhouse Laboratory Fiasco. No discussion of absurdity would be complete without it. This rhombus-strip of a building could very well be the worst architectural blunder in the history of cave-building. I hate it, yet I am inexorably drawn to it. Probably because SNAFU scheduled every single one of my classes in that atrocity. Even German. I thought about moving a bed in and taking over a room, but I knew I'd never be able to find it again. I haven't mastered the art of descrambling World War II radio codes well enough to follow the DRL numbering system yet. And Wawa doesn't sell enough bread crumbs . . . · Ah, yes. Absurdities, abberation . . . we love 'em. In fact, we thrive on them. They are the extremities, the abnormalities of the world around us that make us appreciate the normal and sensible facets of life. The absurd notion or bizarre incident will undoubtedly make us chuckle, whether we are truly humored or are laughing the sarcastic, how-in-the-hell-can-this-happen-to-me laugh. It's no coincidence that we use the word "funny" to mean either comical or strange; the two meanings are interrelated. And so, in the same way as Residential Living, PARIS, and DRL, flatulation is funny. Brandon "Wombat" Fogel is a freshman Physics major from Potomac, Maryland. Jason "Skippy" Seiden is a freshman Entrepreneurial Management major from Highland Park, Illinois. "Skippy Gone Batty" appears alternate Fridays.

Please note All comments are eligible for publication in The Daily Pennsylvanian.