COLUMN: "Iota Getta Perm"

From Andrew Sernovitz's "Mall Rats With Big Hair," Spring '92. You can tell when it happens. Hundreds of overdressed young ladies moving in herds across West Philly (always maintaining their individuality, of course). The crooks and homeless stay inside, making way for commando teams of Debs and Jens on a social rampage. But there's nothing like that large group of humans sharing one brain. Lemmings, ready to jump off the social cliff, into the wonderful world of wet T-shirt mixers with ZBTs from Penn State. I tried to follow the giggling mass into one of the events to see exactly what all of these girls were up to. I never made it inside. A wall of Obsession held me back, and I slipped on an eyeliner slick on the front steps. Someday, the air will be a little less toxic. They can have rush events at the Revlon Center. Maybe I wasn't wearing the right outfit. I should have taken a closer look at the suggested dress code. At the first event, they recommend "something warm and comfortable such as nice pants and a sweater." This enables you to get into something else warm and comfortable, such as that guy from your freshman floor who wouldn't talk to you after he started pledging. Never able to actually sneak into an event, I had my staff hard at work trying to penetrate Penn's female elite. They managed to capture a copy of the Pan-Hellatious Rush Manual. It was very informative. The first event is the Open House Round, where the budding lovlies will "hear song after song and be entertained." Oooh. Goodie. Does this mean they'll have a D.J.? If that's not enough to win them over, the second round promises "a night of fun, singing and entertainment." I've heard it's very much like a Las Vegas show, but the women are shorter and rarely go topless. The pref parties on the last night are the highlight of the week. "The mood is very different from any other round of parties. Most women will be wearing dresses you might see at the theater, a cocktail party or a semi-formal occasion." Wow. This is better than Cats. The outfits, the music, the tears. "Suzie, did you get tickets for Phantom? No? Well, that's O.K. -- Iota Getta Perm is having a crush party!" So, after a week of soul bearing, heart-to-heart small talk, what type of women are the sisters looking for to complement their already stunning set of friends? Well-rounded, charming, intelligent and diverse girls? Would Blossom get a bid? (Blossom is actually Punky Brewster, post-puberty. Sorta scary what a little estrogen can do to a woman.) Actually, the sisters rate the rushees on a four-point scale based on a combination of the Miss America and Ms. Universe pageants. Grace, style, talent and power lifting. Each rush is interviewed by Bert Parks, asking how she would contribute to the house: "If I get a bid, I would wish for peace for the whole wide world and a puppy for all the poor children. And you guys can all borrow this sweater!" Many people accuse this rush process of being shallow. It really isn't. A week is plenty of time for 400 freshpersons to get intimately close to 800 sisters. Besides, the second round parties are extended to 45 minutes each, "so you can deepen the friendships you have made with the sisters during rush." I can see it now -- these women have a future running a fun house in Ocean City. "Get'cher friendships! Step right up, come one, come all! Nu Betta Sweatta's got a 45 minute friendship just for you!" But seriously, sororities do have something to offer. One house offers "social events that are both creative and innovative -- everything from square dances to toga parties." Wow, that's innovative. My eighth grade gym teacher must be their social chair. Another house is "committed to learning about issues that affect us as women, such as . . . body image." I like that. I'm also committed to learning about body image. Especially when they are wearing something warm and comfortable. If nothing else, sorority rush has a huge impact on the local economy. The hair salons are backed up for weeks. There is so much demand for a new "'do" that Troy's is going to put a salon in the back. It'll be great. "I'll have the Big Hair Special and a side of fries, please." Have you been in Skolnick's before a rush event? 400,000 freshwomen with name tags getting a quick bageldog to strengthen them up for a hard day of superficial chat. Yelling "Jen" in the Hall of Flags is like yelling "fire" in a crowded theater. Actually, they are in training for sisterhood. If they make it through rush they'll be able to hang out at Saladalley/TCBY with the real women. I really should be more careful discussing sorority secrets. If Saturday Night Live can get in trouble, who knows what they will do to me. Gotta watch out for those angry sisters. Sistaroonies. Sistamundos. The Sistermeisters. Makin' music. Singin' songs . . . Andy Sernovitz is a senior Marketing and Political Science major from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. Mall Rats with Big Hair still appears alternate Wednesdays, whether you like it or not.