Column: Predictions for 1992

Jean told me of numerous reports that Elvis had been spotted frequenting a famous Penn hang out. She wanted to see what I knew. She also needed some help compiling her 1992 predictions for the National Inquirer. She called because she devined that I had pre-registered for the General Honors Astrology course, Astrology 006, Extraterrestrial Life. You don't believe that such a course exists! Look at the GH course description in the constantly mobile GH/BFS headquarters. I, having already fulfilled my Math requirement with Numerology 123, was able to help Jean peer into the future. I believe 1992 will be a year chuck-filled with action. Using my numerological skills last year, I was able to predict that in 1991, the U.S. would win the Gulf War, a major professional athlete would be caught with drugs (Otis Nixon), and that Donald would propose to Marla. Here my Top Ten list of numerological premonitions for 1992: 10. If you add up all the numbers in 1992 you get . . . 21! This means that anyone who is born this year will be automatically eligible to drink whenever they want. (I also understand numerology was used to determine the drinking age in Pennsylvania.) 9. The University of Pennsylvania will be 252 years old. If you multiply that by 1992 you get . . . 501,984. This is exactly 1/10th of the amount that Sheldon Hackney will accept from St. Lucifer -- sometime in March -- for the creation of a "Satanic Studies Department" to be located on the present sight of Irvine Auditorium. (Warning Sheldon, Jean says in 1993 a big ruckus will be caused by campus demons who feel that label is discriminatory. Look for it to change to the "Infernal Studies Department" sometime in late '93.) 8. If you take the 9 in '92 -- the square of 3, which is the perfect number in Pythagorean numerology -- and separate it from the 2 -- which is of course the only prime, even number -- you get the "Prime Square" combination. Next September look for this to culminate in a group of nerdy Physics majors protesting to take over the prime housing assignment on campus: the Castle. 7. Now take the number 33, which happens to be Patrick Ewing's jersey number. It is also two 3's and 3 times 11 (see the article by Victoria Kirkham, of our own Italian Department, 11 is for Evil for further explanation). When you multiply 33 by an Olympic 1992 it give 65736. Look for this to show in late August when the U.S. basketball team beats Bolivia 657 to 36 in the Gold Medal Game. 6. If you take 1000 Points of Light away from 1992, you get 992, which is exactly the amount of votes George Bush will receive in November, because of revelations about the "October Surprise" and Manny Noreiga's ties to the C.I.A. becoming public knowledge. 5. Divide 1992 by the perfect number 3, and you get 664, to which when you add Dan Quayle's I.Q., 2, you get 666. This (as everyone knows) is the number of total evil. It indicates that William Kennedy Smith (who looks just like Damien from the Omen) will set a pack of viscous wild Dobermans loose on his Palm Beach estate on the night of the victory party in early January. Ted will be safely away at the Betty Ford Clinic, wearing nothing but a choke collar. 4. The four prime factorials of 92 are 2, 2 and 23. This gives us 2223, which will be the number of condoms distributed on Locust Walk throughout 1992. 3. Subtract the 19 from the 92, and you get . . . 73, which is the actual number of times people will need condoms on Penn's campus next year! 2. If you subtract the 2 from the 9, you get 7. Besides being the "lucky number," on July 7th (7/7/92), Snow White will file sexual harassment charges against Sleepy and Doc for trying to kiss her back in 1977 at a reunion of cartoon Disney characters. (Look for the Little Mermaid to advise her.) 1. Next year is the 500th anniversary of Columbus disc . . . Whoops, I mean, encountering the New World. 500 times 1992 is -- 996,000. This is the exact number of seconds that Wilt Chamberlin will spend orgasming. Happy New Year!!! Brian Kennedy is a sophomore English major Newark, New Jersey. Never Mind the Bollocks has appeared alternate Thursdays.