Joke Issue: Bilsky cancels The Line forever

Ruining traditions | Athletic Director finally does something of significance at Penn

· April 4, 2012, 12:44 am   ·  Updated April 6, 2012, 12:51 am

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Adrian Franco | DP

Athletic Director Steve Bilsky finally announced the end of The Line at the Palestra in response to waning attendance and a general ‘don’t-give-a-f*ck’ attitude.


Among the shifting sands of student interest in athletics, Penn appears to finally have come to terms with one of its least successful ventures over the past few years. The athletic department announced Tuesday that it will finally put an end to The Line, a tradition one Weigthman Hall insider said was “less relevant to Penn students than the DP.”

The Line, Penn’s annual men’s basketball season kickoff when students have the opportunity to purchase bad seats for the entire year, became a university sponsored event in the early 1990s.

Student reaction was mixed.

“What Line?” asked Jeff Goldstein, a Wharton junior. “Are you talking about Tiesto? I’m f**king PISSED I didn’t get a floor pass.”

Leaders of the Red and Blue Crew are sad to see another tradition die out, but happy that resources will be moved to more pressing needs, such as refilling the gas cartridges for Penn’s t-shirt gun, and buying more sets of shoes for the Quaker costume. Penn is also considering spending exorbitant amounts of money on more big-head cutouts, to replace the lost Jerome head.

“I was really looking forward to doing it again next year,” said a clueless pre-frosh who didn’t know that nobody cares about sports at Penn.

The decision to end the decades-old tradition was one fraught with anxiety for the administration. Ultimately, it was all about the Benjamins, Athletic Director Steve Bilsky said.

“When we looked at our budgeting for the upcoming year, it was either The Line or the women’s fencing program that had to go. While The Line actually gets more people in the door than fencing, we had to consider Title IX.”

Bilsky was instrumental in bringing The Line indoors and making it a university-sponsored event, as well as roping in Qdoba to provide awful, awful burritos to the half-dozen students who attended each year. Many believe Penn’s association with the burrito makers was the beginning of the end for The Line.

“It was a recipe for disaster,” said the Weightman Hall underling, who asked to go by Chas for fear of losing his job. “If you’re going to go burritos, at least spring for Mexicali. Typical second-rate catering from Penn. It just shows how out of touch the administration is with the student body.”

He then went on to offer suggestions for other cuisines that might have had more appeal.

“If you’re thinking sandwiches, I’d go Potbelly or Lee’s. For Pizza, Powelton or New Style; definitely not Ed’s. Hummus puts together a mean catering platter but gives me gas. Sang Kee is always tasty.”

For more information, check out this related story.

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