M. Hoops to forfeit all victories
The status of junior guard Andrew Toole will force Penn to lose all 25 wins it garnered in 2001-02.
April 1, 2002, 5:00 am·
*This article appeared in the 4/1/02 Joke Issue*A season down the drain. A team's future in doubt. A collegiate dream destroyed.
All because of a terrible, terrible mix-up.
In a shocking turn of events, the NCAA announced on Saturday that the Penn men's basketball team will have to forfeit all 25 wins the team garnered in the 2001-2002 season. Further, star junior point guard Andrew Toole will be forced to relinquish the remainder of his college eligibility and live with Jon Tross and a mountain goat for his senior year -- the harshest punishment the NCAA has ever decreed.
"We really had to lay down the law, because, frankly, this is the most heinous violation I have ever seen," NCAA director Brian Earl said. "We searched through our records and discovered that Mr. Toole blatantly lied on his transfer application. Elon College, the school he claimed to have matriculated at prior to his transfer to Penn, does not exist.
"I repeat, there is no Elon College."
When the Penn coaches and players heard this disturbing news, they were completely dumbfounded.
"Elon, Elon, Elon... right, that's that four-letter school in North Carolina," Penn coach Fran Dunphy said. "Wait, that's Duke. I always get those schools confused. Boy, I need to quit sniffing glue."
While Dunphy's mustache was encrusted with Elmers, the rest of the Penn coaches responsible for bringing Toole to the Palestra were also at a loss.
"Shit, we always thought Elon was his high school," Gil Jackson, Dave Duke, John Krikorian and waterboy extraordinare Andy Pogach said in unison. "We just thought McAdams kept fucking up when he announced Toole as a junior. The man is senile, you know."
Toole's teammates were just as confused.
"Well, I've never heard of Elon," said Penn freshman Conor Tolan, who hails from the land of green soap and leprechauns. "But then again, I've never heard of Dartmouth or Cornell either. What school do I go to again?"
So if there is no Elon College, where exactly was Toole for two years prior to coming to Penn? The answer may shock you.
The truth is Toole spent the better part of those two years trying to change his name. Throughout high school, his name was I. Mabig Tool, but after a long, arduous battle in court, he was able to change it to the more palatable Andrew Toole.
"I'm not a tool, I swear," a remorseful Tool Toole said last night. "My past is very embarrassing. I regret that I lied on my transfer application, but I couldn't tell the truth. I just couldn't."
The Quakers now find themselves in quite the sticky situation -- no pun intended. Since there are no previous incidents of anything of this kind, the University may have a case to get Toole reinstated for his final year of eligibility. Jackie Childs has been hired to save Penn basketball.
"I find this NCAA ruling unconscionable, unreasonable and utterly obscene," Childs said. "Tool is a name that is ridiculous, radical and rambunctious. No man should have to go through life with it."
But even if Childs finds a way to get the NCAA verdict overturned, this incident will still leave a huge black mark on Penn basketball.
"Well, at least they didn't find out Andrew Coates wears panties in the shower or Adam Chubb listens to Hanson before games," team jokester Tim Begley said. "I mean, those things never happened."
Black mark on Penn basketball? More like a giant welt.