*Brown learns gyroball to help in love life, pitching

*This article appeared in the 2007 Joke Issue

Former Penn closer Doug Brown may have found the secret to revive his pitching career.

And believers in baseball's new mystical pitch may have to look no further than Meiklejohn Stadium.

Brown has learned how to throw a "gyroball," a pitch allegedly invented by an Asian physicist and thrown by new Red Sox starter Daisuke Matsuzaka. The pitch is supposed to have side spin, like a bullet, that would cause the ball to break sharply sideways or downwards.

The hope, Brown said, is to improve his sexual appeal.

"Have you seen the Kim twins?" Brown asked, referring to track juniors Stacy and Claire.

"I think they'll be impressed by my gyro," he said with a wink.

Matsuzaka, 27, declined to comment on whether his social life - or more specifically, his luck with the Asian ladies of Penn - has at all improved since he added the gyroball to his arsenal a year ago.

Teammates reported Brown tried taking up Tae-Kwon-Do and eating a sushi-only diet in pursuit of the Kims.

Coach John Cole was ready to put Brown on the disabled list with a case of yellow fever.

It was then that Brown decided on the gyroball, because it might also improve his pitching performance.

"All season long, I've been making my pitches," said Brown, who has blown four saves in five tries. "They've hit the ball right at the fielders, and, um, the, uh, bounces just haven't gone our way."

"Think of how great I'll be now," he added.

Brown, a College senior, previously attended the School for Holding Leads, co-founded by Armando Benitez and Jorge Julio.

He showed off his education plenty this season before being mercifully removed from his duties. He has given up 24 earned runs in 30.2 innings, for an ERA of 7.04.

"He works his butt off," Columbia football coach Norries Wilson said. "Every week he works his butt off, so you all can complain about how bad he is. So you can write your negative article about him every week."

Cole was unsure whether the gyroball would be enough for Brown to retake his closer job.

"It doesn't matter if he has Bob Feller's fastball, Roger Clemens' splitter, and Greg Maddux's changeup if he's going to balk twice in one inning," he said.

Will Carroll of Baseballprospectus.com and Robert K. Adair, author of The Physics of Baseball, are expected to attend Wednesday's spectacle, doubling Penn's average attendance. The Athletic Department is unsure whether it will be able to accommodate the record crowd, especially if the Kim sisters show up to see their admirer too.

Athletic Department spokesman Matt Kirsch said that under no circumstances would Brown be made available for comment.

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