(This article appeared in the 3/31/03 joke issue)
After months of making national headlines for being under criminal investigation for pouring motor oil over a Princeton debater, five Penn students are ready to put their notoriety to work for them.
The five students, now calling themselves CHARGE$ DISMI$$ED or CD, have announced that they have produced a new album and will be kicking off their world tour in Philadelphia this spring.
The members of CD, College freshmen David "Cutie" Hochfelder and Philip "Big Boy" Balderston, College sophomore Thomas "Little T" Bispham Jr., Wharton sophomore Tavraj "Big T" Banga and College senior Steven "Stockholm" Stolk, made their names on such national news outlets as CNN, The Philadelphia Inquirer and The Daily Pennsylvanian, for allegedly assaulting a Princeton debate team member in a Quadrangle lounge last fall by pouring motor oil on him and threatening to light him on fire.
"We've made quite a name for ourselves already, and we don't want to lose this opportunity," Hochfelder said.
Since the press conference last week announcing the impending world tour and the release of their first two singles -- "Motor Oil Doesn't Burn," and "First-Time Offenders Always Get Off Light" -- CD has been all the rage among prepubescent teenagers.
"They're so hot right now," said 11-year-old Melanie Vincent.
Many campus groups are proud to be associated with the newfound talent, most notably, the secret underground society known as the Owl Society.
"We're thinking of changing our name to 'The Oils' to honor the fine music that some of our members are producing," explained one senior member of the Owls who did not want his name published.
One of CD's assets that the members think will set them apart from the thousands of other bands trying to make it big is their international flavor: two of the members, Stolk and Banga, are from Portugal and India, respectively.
"They bring a real, international feel to the group," said lawyer-turned-manager Jules Epstein. "In this time of turmoil in the world around us, it is good for people to see individuals from different countries working together toward a common goal."
The group will be kicking off its world tour later this month in, fittingly, the Quadrangle, as part of Spring Fling. The University was at first ambivalent about scheduling the event, but eventually agreed.
"We didn't really want to bring them here because they've caused so much trouble already," explained University President Judith Rodin. "But if they can bring thousands of 11 to 14-year-old girls here to see Penn, it will be great for admissions. Maybe they'll be able to differentiate between Penn and Penn State at an early age."
"Probably not," she later added.
Either way, CD feels ready to kick off its tour.
"We've already been on CNN and in the DP, the world knows who we are -- now it's time to get our mug shots on MTV," Bispham said.
The band's debut is perfectly time, as its members were recently cleared of all charges for pouring motor oil over a Princeton debater.
