COLUMN: In praise of 'sluts': the female orgasm

From David Kim's, "Aspirin for Your Post-modern Headache," Fall '98 From David Kim's, "Aspirin for Your Post-modern Headache," Fall '98Today, it is almost cliche to mention the fact that when a man seeks and achieves lots of sex, he's a stud; yet when a woman does so, she's labeled by society as a slut or a whore. While only 30 percent of women are able to achieve orgasm during standard sexual intercourse with men, 85 percent are capable of reaching an orgasm through oral sex, partner stimulation and masturbation. Certain powerful social factors too often prevent these methods from being introduced into a sexual relationship, however. Society today, especially here in America, is conditionally as prude as ever. As much as many would like to think the contrary, we still carry much baggage from our roots in a society whose mores represented certain religious beliefs and morals incompatible with our modern striving for logic and equality, such that female pleasure during sex is, even in this enlightened and well-informed age, still a sacrilegious subject. As such, we shamefully remain poorly informed about the details and workings of female sexuality. Take the clitoris, for example. A recent survey completed by The Observer found that most men don't even know where the clitoris is, and that they wouldn't know what to do with it if they found it. Even in the field of medicine, its significance in the female anatomy is severely downplayed and misrepresented. It is at least twice as large as most anatomy books show and 10 times larger than the average person realizes (Gray's Anatomy went so far as to falsely note and diagram it). Most anatomy books show the clitoris as a small mound without any further detail, while in actuality this "mound" is only the tip of an iceberg which extends up to 3 1/2 inches into a woman's body, containing as many sensory nerves as the penis. As far as we know, the clitoris's only function is to give sexual pleasure -- a godsend for female sexuality, if we choose to use it. As long as major components of female sexuality such as the clitoris continue to be ignored or downplayed, the future of sex will be the same brand of unsatisfying experiences women have been putting up with for ages. Yet there is something hopeful about the fact that these unsatisfying sexual experiences are gaining a broader audience, not just remaining the quiet burden of dissatisfied women, but also becoming known among interested men. Let's face it: Whether it's because of their genuine care for their partners or their pride in their sexual prowess, men do want their partners to achieve orgasms. Although society as a whole still has a very long way to go, most men are quite eager to break the walls of stale, ordinary sex. So where do we start? Well, although we men may be responsible for the social condition that has created this problem, its resolution can perhaps be most effectively initiated by women. Women need to value their sexuality and their right to enjoy it. Throw out your Victorian notions that seeking pleasure is a bad or dirty thing. Men might not stop thinking of women as sexual objects any time soon, but women could actually learn a thing or two from this mentality. During sexual intercourse, everyone is a sexual creature. Both women and men need to realize, however, that what does it for a man doesn't necessarily (and actually, usually doesn't) suffice for women. As much as we try to hide it, men need to be taught how to please a woman. And by that I do not mean how to please women in general, but rather how to please that particular woman a man is having sex with, since every woman has unique sexual needs and characteristics. Unfortunately, however, it is not uncommon that a woman is unable to tell her partner what she needs, either because she is afraid of a negative response or because she doesn't know what to say. This brings us to another taboo subject, especially for women: Masturbation. Although I think more woman masturbate than will admit it, there is still a significant amount of women who are sexually active, yet do not masturbate or know how to do it properly. Herein lies the most obvious start to a healthy sex life. After all, how can a woman expect a man to give her an orgasm if she can't even give herself one? I am well aware that this column will spark negative response from some individuals who question my ability to write on such matters. Quite likely, I'm just as guilty as the next man for perpetuating the unfavorable sexual condition of women today. And furthermore, some will say that I lack the authority to access what the present-day needs of female sexuality are. Yet this is all the more reason for women to speak up and let us know what it is they need.