COLUMN: "Homey Don't Play That"

From Sumeet Goel's "I'm From Joisey! You From Joisey?", Spring '92 Rather, at 7:30 each weeknight, I put down whatever it is that I am doing and turn on Channel 17 to find out how two dorky guys bagged three sluts on blind dates. You see, I have been sucked into the endless black hole of today's shitty television programming. No matter what station you turn on, night and day, all you get is shit, and the worst thing about it is that the American public accepts it and has no control over it. I can only think of three quality shows: Cheers, Monday Night Football -- if you take out Dan Dierdorf -- and the occasional PBS Nature show that has the snake eating the mouse. Other than that, there is nothing else of quality on the boob tube. Personally, I think that this is a very important phenomenon that has been overlooked by sociologists when examining the decline of U.S. society. Other than George Bush, current TV programming is the number one factor contributing to our decline. It all started about five years ago with "Married with Children." Think about the parallels -- about that same time, we experienced the stock market crash and a whole host of other problems. No one will publically confirm it, but I have inside information that the crash was a direct result of the fact that all those perverted 40 and 50 year old stockbrokers were talking about Christina Applegate's figure instead of noticing that AT&T;'s had just fallen 5 3/8 points. Did Fox stop with this obvious faux pas? Nooooo! They then continued on with such hits as "The Simpsons" and "Beverly Hills 90210." Jesse Helms has an ongoing tirade about the decline of American values, traditions, etc., blaming artists, when the real cause is quite simple: Bart Simpson. He has fostered disrespect for parents, pushed underachievement as a positive quality and promoted the beating up of one's little sister with a baseball bat. The most recent national figures now show that child-parent pencil stabbings are up 48.3 percent -- sounds like a Penn admissions rate, doesn't it? And what about "Beverly Hills"-zip code? If someone ever wanted to convert every single young American to Satanism via subliminal messages, this would be the way. Why is it that the entire U.S. population ages 14 to 22 shuts down their brains for one hour every Thursday? Bush blames the Japanese for all our woes. The real problem is that each Japanese person's brain is fully functional for an extra 52 hours a year, over one full work week! Think about this in between deciding whether you want to bear Brandon's child, or Dylan's child, or both. Preying on one of the most primitive instincts of Americans, "Studs" has managed to garner impressive ratings. We still haven't realized that when the girl says "I loved eating his hot burrito," she means that she liked the taste of the dish he ordered in the Mexican restaurant. Instead, everyone goes "oooh" and "Yesssss" and tries to guess which "stud" is going to sleep with which slut for another three straight nights when they go on their dream date to Catalina. If you still aren't convinced, look at "In Living Color," a hit television show. "In Living Color" sends out the message that being a clown is an acceptable profession to go into. Ever wonder why so many students haven't declared their major yet? Simply put, their subconscious is trying to weigh whether to major in BBB or Comical Artistic Expression with a minor in Makeup Application. There are shows on T.V. right now that actually consider a sex changed woman suing her third cousin twice removed for committing incest with her fifth stepsister a real news story. From "Geraldo" to "Hard Copy" and "Inside Edition," this sort of garbage plagues our screens. You thought that only overweight housewives were the only ones who read the National Enquirer? Well, think again, you do too, just in stereo and closed captioned for the hearing impaired. Need I say more about this ever pressing problem of U.S. society? I have already written to my local congressman to open up hearings on the issue, and I hope that you will do the same. The only way to solve this problem is through a group effort, and it must start here. Until then, you must excuse me, it's 1:30 Monday night and the Thighmaster infomercial is about to start. · JUST WONDERING: Could you complete this lyric for me from Manfred Mann's "Blinded by the Light?": Blinded by the light, Wrapped up like a Another loner in the night . . . The best I could come up with is "douche." · YOU KNOW YOU GO TO PENN WHEN you have to subtract 20 degrees from the wind chill factor to adjust for Superblock. Sumeet Goel is a sophomore Communications and Finance major from Parsippany, New Jersey. "I'm From Joisey! You From Joisey?" will appear alternate Thursdays.