[DISCLAIMER: Swamis is a Daily Pennsylvanian tradition in which select members make jokes and predict the results of Ivy League football games. You may not find it funny, but that’s your fault for looking. Enjoy! -Will Snow, Senior Sports Editor]
Hey everybody! It's Tommy, your favorite "Senior comma Sports Editor," here. My unpunctuated predecessor once asked a question that began with "who here is" and, while I must make some slight alterations, it does seem prudent to ask and answer, "who here is who?"
That's right, people. Swamis is slowly becoming a listicle. Swamis is now online. And next week, Swamis just might have stories. But that decision will be up to WILL SNOW, our "Senior (no comma) Sports Editor" and your first Swami. The preseason media poll saw him pick Penn to win the title and we know he's handy with a piece of chalk, but who does he really think will win? The answer might surprise you!
Then we have THOMAS MUNSON, one of three DPOS-Toms, one of two DPOS-Toms Will didn't bafflingly overlook for a spot as a Swami, and one of one DPOS-Toms (or people) who ever seems to win this thing. And don't forget JONATHAN POLLACK, who will inevitably declare Munson's reign over two weeks in only for that sly blond fox to run the table.
Next we have ZACH SHELDON, who takes and edits photos for sports. Then we have ANANYA CHANDRA, who takes and edits photos, but not just for sports. And we are also joined by ILANA WURMAN, who is still doing this, I guess.
And how about the outsiders? DAN SPINELLI is our Ethics guy, so he's probably never watched the NFL. Does he know enough about college football to survive? REBECCA TAN can report with the best of them on things that have already happened. Can she predict the future? CARTER COUDRIET thought the Houston Texans would go 14-2. Is he intelligent?
Can the longest-tenured associate handle the Swami mantle, or WILL AGATHIS melt (see what I did there?) under the pressure? Can the youngest, shortest-tenured editors pass this, the greatest of maturity tests, or will BREVIN FLEISCHER and YOSEF WEITZMAN go running back to their high school newspapers?
Can JACOB SNYDER and JACOB ADLER make the dream work? Or will what shall henceforth be known as TEAM JACOB fall victim to the first "chemistry issues" in the history of Swamis? JULIA SCHORR was once spotted consoling a Patriots fan whose team was down 28-3 at halftime in the Super Bowl. Are her days of poor foresight behind her? Will COLE JACOBSON "kill it," or just kill us all? Will I, TOMMY ROTHMAN, avoid getting fired by Week Six in spite of the reasonable creative freedom these weekly Swami blurbs have afforded me?
All these questions will be answered, but it may take some time. If you're here to find out whether or not Penn football will beat the Division II football team the Quakers inexplicably put at the top of their schedule, I'll answer that now.
Prediction: Penn 45, Ohio Dominican 13.
(Zoom in on the image below to read everybody else's picks, nicknames and headshots... if you care about those peasants.)