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*This article appeared as part of the 2011 Joke Issue.

We, as dining hall workers, often hear students complaining about everything. But because you don’t have the common courtesy to talk to us, we thought it would be a good change of pace for you to hear what we have to say about you. After all, why should Caesar get to stomp around like a giant while the rest of us try not to get smushed under his big feet?!

You are totally disgusting! Want to know the real reason we won’t take your used plates? We don’t want to smell like baby prostitutes! Speaking of fugly sluts, one of us saw one of you making out with a hotdog! Yeah, that was one time, but ew! You couldn’t even wait to walk up that flight of stairs to your room? You guys are so totally not fetch! Hell, no, we did not leave the South Side for this!

You all are always bitching about the food. You jocks, there’s never enough for you! We have enough cheese and crackers for eight people, what more do you want?! Obviously, the limit does not exist! The limit does not exist!

And you health-nut vegetarians, always complaining that our food is bad for you. We don’t hate you. Well, we don’t hate you because you’re fat. Actually, you’re fat because we hate you. Literally! We put lard in all the food we feed you! Watch where you’re going, fat-ass!

Stop disrespecting our decorations of bowls with fruits and vegetables! They are vases of the Ndebele tribe. Does that mean nothing to you?!

And when we have to swipe in your bitchy friends from other schools! “They’re visiting from blah blah blah,” you say. Well guess what, she doesn’t even go here!

We ought to cancel your Spring Fling. But, we’re not going to do that because we’ve already paid the DJ.

The United Workers of the Penn Dining Halls
Unaffiliated with the University

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